That's Church

Anyone see the DUI checkpoint on the Parkway East on Friday night? Other than the four guys being led away in handcuffs, that is. When’s the hearing guys?

You know what I love about this city? They performed the DUI Checkpoint in an area where there is a BIG ORANGE SIGN that informs us that yes, this stretch right here is in fact a DUI Targeted Enforcement Area.

But really, how many cars of buddies are on their way home after a night of partying at Matrix and about to get on the Parkway when one says to the other, “Dude. We can’t go THAT way. It’s a DUI Targeted Enforcement Area! Find another way home!”

And what is UP with those BIG ORANGE SIGNS?!

• Beware of Aggressive Drivers!
• Don’t Tailgate!
• Slow Down — Save a Life!
• Buckle Up! Every Time!

Really, I’m wondering, does ANYONE really pay attention to these signs. Does a speed devil from out of town traveling through the city hear his wife say, “Honey, didn’t you see that sign? Please! Slow down and save a life!”

If anything, this city needs BIG ORANGE SIGNS that are really useful:

• Don’t Give the Finger to Other Motorists Unless you are Willing to Take a Bullet!
• Don’t Stay in the Right Lane Which is an Exit Only to Squirrel Hill/Homestead Until the Very Last Second then Merge Left Just Before the Tunnels!
• Do Use a FREAKIN’ Turn Signal!
• Don’t Slow Down! It is just a Harmless Tunnel.
• Beware of Abyss-like Potholes that Could Swallow your Passat Whole!

Jason Bay is not only a Pittsburgh Pirate, he’s from British Columbia, Canada, eh.

At yesterday’s All Star Game Home Run Derby, where players are representing their home countries more than their respective MLB teams, JayBaybee didn’t hit ONE SINGLE HOMERUN. Not a one. Zero. Not only does that suck, but it smarts even more because he was the only person there who didn’t hit ONE SINGLE HOMERUN.

The winner hit 24 homeruns in the first round alone.

So JayBaybee says in today’s Post-Gazette

It was a lot of fun, and I’m glad I had the chance to participate.

Yeah, I’m sure THAT was a big ball of hysterical fun watching ball after ball drive down the line instead of even a little bit UP in the air as required to hit ONE SINGLE HOMERUN.

Baybee also said that he asked the Pirates head trainer for advice on strategy and was told, “There is no strategy.”

Dude? I’m not a baseball expert, but seems to me there are some tips or pointers that would help a guy hit ONE SINGLE HOMERUN instead of publicly embarrasing himself and his country. And I’m just saying, maybe the guy that keeps you fit isn’t the one that you should be asking for hitting tips. Don’t you guys have like a BATTING COACH? But hey, if the Pirates are asking their trainers, their ballboys, and their mothers for hitting tips, could this be why we’re staring a losing season in the eyeballs?

Eh?

Fifth Third Bank. Ever heard of them? They’re no PNC or Citizens, or even Dollar Bank. They have two branches in the Burgh. The office on the corner of Grant and Seventh has a nice big two window banner. Following in the steps of pretty much every other bank, they are advertising

TOTALLY FREE CHECKING!!!*

Whoa! Not just free checking, TOTALLY free! Seems as though something that is advertised as TOTALLY free shouldn’t need an asterisk next to it right? I mean what could the fine print possibly be?

*Customer must purchase checks.

Huh? Do I misunderstand what “totally” means? Let me check.

Google definition:

wholly: to a complete degree or to the full or entire extent

So if I must purchase checks, that isn’t totally free checking is it? I mean it’s not like you are going to get a checking account and not need checks right? After all a checking account without checks is just an account.

Those marketing people at Fifth Third Bank really got a set of huevos on them, no?