That's Church

1. It is perfectly sane, nay, NORMAL to want to dance in the rain but to also be irrationally terrified of thunderstorms to the point that you need someone to hold you during them. Do you smell that? That’s bullshit.

2. Wow. I wish I had a giant bag of SENTENCE-ENDING PUNCTUATION TO THROW AT THIS GIRL! She and this guy need to have the sexy time.

3. “Change my oil, change my tires, chug a beer, spit on the ground, and tell me i look hot as you slap my ass and I make you the dinner you ordered.” I just … wait. WHAT?!

4. CMU! REPRESENT!

5. The Craigslist bathroom pic has reached a new low — the standing in your shower and hunching down pic. Ssssssexy!

6. I’m just posting this one because I want you all to know where I learned the phrase “a foul dwarf.”

God. That rocks. Now just to figure out who to bestow that title upon. Jeff Reed? I’ll accept other suggestions before the official naming.

7. Lose weight fast! Click here, look at picture two, and toss those cookies! I call it the Cookie Tossing Diet! I’m going to be rich.

8. Okay. I chuckled when I saw the title. I laughed outright when I saw the second picture. And I completely lost it when I saw his email address.

9. Looking for a chick who hates “people.” Just people. Gotta hate the people. (My super hot Facebook friend Leo was super brave and FURTHER mined this guy, finding him to be “The mother load of weirdness. The sultan of bat-shit crazy. The Great Bambino of Goth Hell.” The brilliant post finally descends into a YouTube video or two that will … well … did I say “brace yourselves”?)

10. Car amps for tattoo work? That makes sense. Also, that first picture. Is that the pregnant guy that was going to be on Oprah today?

(h/t Amanda who wrote, “At least he’s sterile. Am I right?” You are!)

11. I can only come up with a few possibilities as to who is seeking to hold two-hour hypnosis sessions with registered Democrats: the scientologists, the scientologists, and the scientologists. Flee!

Also, how much do you have to hate yourself to actually respond to that? How do you know that they won’t hypnotize you to kill Republicans when you hear a chicken cluck. Or worse! Cluck like a chicken when you hear a Republican! Augh! Did I say “flee” yet?

In a surprise move, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today threw his support behind the concept of merging the city and Allegheny County, as he joined county Chief Executive Dan Onorato and University of Pittsburgh Chancellor Mark Nordenberg in unveiling a detailed report on governmental cooperation.

Listen to me.  I don’t care if you made this decision because you did the research, read the report, and truly found it to be in the best interests of the region, or if you made this decision because Dan Onorato and Ed Rendell gave you dual Indian burns until you peed your pants.

I just want to say THANK YOU for agreeing to support this merger because when I drink too much from the Move Forward drinking game and fall drunkenly off of my fence, I always land on the side of the consolidation.

Git on wit’ yo bad self, Baby Face!

Holla!

PittGirl

Well, the Buccos of Suckitude (gee.  I hope that catches on to the point that the media actually accidentally calls them that to their faces) lost last night.  In a big way.  In a 10-2 way.  But they’re still playing .500 ball!

Thanks to once again the collapse of pitcher Damaso Marte:

He faced five Atlanta batters last night at Turner Field, and the first four homered, singled, singled and singled as part of the Braves’ seven-run eighth inning.

That turned a one-run affair in which the Pirates were on the ascent into a 10-2 laugher of a loss.

Just as certain, it turned Marte plenty sour. Remember: It was his two walks in the opener Monday that began that monster ninth-inning collapse.

And manager John Russell says:

“He’s a big part of our bullpen, and he needs to continue to go out there and get the job done.”

First, John, you can’t “continue” to do something you never did in the first place.  I can’t believe I have to explain this to you, but he never did get the job done, so he can’t CONTINUE to get the job done.  He CAN however continue to suck.

Remember that.

And second.  This is why I cannot be a major league baseball manager, because two outings like that and my press conference goes nothing like Russell’s little vote of confidence.  Mine would be more along the lines of “We’ve fed Marte to the lions at the zoo, but only after we strung him up by his thumbs and coated his naked body with the blood of a zebra.  It’s been fifteen years, damn it!  We’re in it to win!”

Do you ever find yourself maybe driving down the highway blasting your favorite song, or perhaps walking in the park with the warm sun and cool breeze on your face, or laughing with your family when a sudden wave of happiness washes over you? Your life is just fine right there. Your problems are manageable and survivable; the bills are paid; that joke was hilarious; your sister is coming to town; summer will be here before you know it; the winter pounds are melting off; and life is just fine right there.

As an obviously “happy-go-lucky” kind of girl, I have a lot of those moments. I had one yesterday driving home from work, happily ignoring the fact that you sir, in the burgundy sports car, are an ass. Yes, an ass. Don’t look so surprised.

Do you also remember when we were children and 90 percent of our lives were made up of those moments because there were no bills, all the jokes were hella funny, and problems were for someone else to deal with? Not us. We just needed to eat our dinner, do our homework, play nice, listen, not bitch-slap our sister when she touches our Cabbage Patch Doll and just be. Life is just fine right there.

Except life is not just fine right there for everyone and that hit me between the eyeballs when I read this article yesterday.

Six Belle Vernon, Fayette County, children are staying with their grandmother, because police said their mother passed out from snorting drugs on Tuesday.

Police said Nicole Lynn Holmes is also accused of sending two of those children to school with lice after being warned by school officials.

Six children aged one to ten looking at their mother passed out on the floor. Two of them repeatedly sent to school with lice in their hair.

God.

And this article today:

Police found three children, ages 2, 3 and 4, malnourished and living in squalor, according to the affidavit. The children were subsisting on uncooked french fries and Mountain Dew, police said. The 3-year-old had contusions on his face, and police also noticed rubber tubing tied to the bedroom doors to prevent the children from getting out, according to the affidavit.

The children were later examined by a doctor, who found numerous bruises and injuries to the 3-year-old’s hands, according to the affidavit. The 4-year-old told police his sibling suffered the injuries trying to get out of the room.

Can’t they do better? Can’t they BE better? Shouldn’t those kids be taking a deep breath of cool air and running as fast as they can, laughing out loud and shrieking with the happiness that only comes when life is just fine right there? NOT trying to claw their way out of a locked room of squalor.

It’s upsetting and it’s needless and it bothered me greatly. Maybe because I’m hormonal. Maybe because it’s kids, and of course you know how I feel about those bubble-gum smacking, attitude-y little rascals. Love them, I do.

So driving home yesterday, that wave of happiness was immediately replaced with some sadness. Why were those kids chosen to live that life? Why can’t some people just be better people?

Why did that asshole steal my purse when I wasn’t looking?

Why didn’t any one of those six people that saw that woman drop her new box of cigarettes as she walked by say, hey lady, you dropped something? Why instead did they watch her walk away and then make a move to grab them for themselves?

This is Pittsburgh. This is the place where the vast majority of us are not just looking out for ourselves. We’re good people. Decent people. People who would have said, “Hey, lady, you dropped something!”

But maybe we can be better. I know I can. Next time I’m going to bust out the bus window, lean out, and shout, “Hey, lady, YOU DROPPED SOMETHING!”

Maybe we need to keep our ears open to children who are suffering and just looking to get to the point where they too can feel that wave of happiness, our eyes open to those chances to do little acts of good, and our minds open to other points of view. We get one lap around the bases in life and it would be a shame to take that lap without helping someone else around.

I don’t know.

Just don’t steal my frickin’ purse and then put your head down at night as if you’re a good person.

And that’s about as well as I can wrap this post up because there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but it was something I had to put down on keyboard and I really feel better for it.

bloop-bloop-bloop.

Better post later.