That's Church

My inbox is normally a very diverse set of incoming messages ranging from the “Wow. You are the suckiest suck of a blogger that ever did suck at blogging” to the “Oh! I thought of you today!” and to the “Thought you’d get a kick out of this!” to the “Will you marry me? Love, David Conrad.”

But since Sunday, my inbox has become so predictable that I don’t even need to read the messages.  I already know what they say.  They say, “OMG. DID YOU SEE THE PIGEON THAT PLAYED SPECIAL TEAMS FOR THE RAIDERS?!”

Here’s the video:

Thoughts:

1.  I love that the Raiders were trying to shoo the pigeon away and the pigeon was all, “First, that’s funny. Pigeons don’t shoo. Second, you’re the OAKLAND RAIDERS! Don’t act like you’re above a little help from your pigeon friends.  We’re going to do this thing because you guys are miserable losers, but Satan has big plans for you. Now, you stand there, you stand there, I’ll stand here and here we go.  Watch and learn. Eye of the tiger.  Eye of the tiger.”

2.  People are acting amazed that the pigeon flew in formation with the line of running Raiders “as if it knew what to do.”

Um, what part of KNOWING BASTARD don’t people understand?

They aren’t animals.  They’re trained, computerized demons of Satan. And they know.

They know.

[shudder]

It has been announced by Mike Tomlin that Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed, the Great Defender of Public Urination, will play against the undefeated Vikings this Sunday.

This is confusing because when Santonio Holmes was caught with marijuana, he was suspended by Tomlin for a game.  So why not Jeff?  I assumed it had something to do with the fact that Jeff is denying he did anything wrong and therefore, they are waiting until the legal system sorts things out.

Ehhhh! Wrong answer, Ginny. Big whammie!

Here’s what Coach said:

In describing the differences, Tomlin said the Holmes incident was a possible distraction because it occurred later in the week and he deactivated him to minimize the distraction. He said it was “not punitive.” Because Reed’s incident happened on Sunday, they have “an opportunity to address it,” Tomlin said.

[cough]bullshit![cough]

I’m sorry, but Santonio Holmes was arrested three days before the next game and Mike Tomlin would have us believe that three days wasn’t enough time to “address” the situation?

It takes, at a minimum, FOUR days to bring a player into your office and tear them a new asshole?

My bologna has a last name and it is T-O-M-L-I-N.

I don’t believe for one second, one word of this.  I believe Santonio was benched as a punishment because Tomlin was pissed at him for being so stupid and because it wasn’t like he didn’t have other wide receivers to put in the game.  However, in this instance, Jeff Reed is really our only kicker and we are about to face the UNDEFEATED VIKINGS and losing to the UNDEFEATED VIKINGS will put us at 4-3, and wins by the Bengals and Ravens will set us even further back, whereas when Santonio was benched against the Giants, we were going in with a 5-1 record and the Bengals, well, I’m not even sure they were playing football last year.  I think they were like, napping.

This decision, it appears to me, was not made based on “distractions”, because let’s be serious, the Steelers are a team that has experienced drunken arrests, domestic violence arrests, drug arrests, public urination citations, resisting arrest citations, paper towel-dispenser annihilation citations and rape accusations (I can’t believe how incredibly sad it makes me to see these things all in one place).  I’m pretty sure they’ve learned as a team how to roll with the legal punches and that by now, not even one of their teammates getting arrested for murder would give them any pause longer than, “Huh. How about that. Who’s up for bowling?”

This decision was based on the fact that Mike Tomlin wants to beat the Vikings.  It’s understandable.  I want to beat the Vikings, too.

Just maybe don’t get in front of a news camera and talk bullshit is all.

Because I’m not buying it.  I get all of my bullshit for free from Grant Street.

First, let’s get the Jeffy updates out of the way.  Go here to read all about the incident that now involves Matt Spaeth, public urination, Jeff’s parents, and “a fighting stance.”  Awesome.  Also, Jeff is contesting it, claiming he did nothing wrong. More awesome!

Now, let’s talk about the Brownies.

Bearing in mind that I wrote in the previous post that “my dogs and a team of half-trained monkeys could beat the Browns,” and we did, I’m amazed that we didn’t win in a more commanding fashion.

I’m also very sad that I don’t get to murder Steely McBeam. Twice.

1. The Duke of Fug, the Earl of Gross, and the King of Quarterbackylonia continues to rule his kingdom like no other, except maybe Tom Brady, but we will not speak of the Devil in this post [ptewie] [ptewie] [throws salt over shoulder] [stabs needle into crotch of Tom Brady voodoo doll].

417 yards. Crap, next year I’m drafting this beast to my fantasy football league if I have to show boobs to do it. He’s mine.

2. I had forgotten how ugly the Browns’ uniforms are.  I mean seriously. Uh-gly.

3.  Was it just me, or did the Brownies drop more passes than they actually caught? Ball after ball smacking their hands and tumbling to the ground uncaught.  Perhaps they’d have better luck if they tried to use something other than The Force to catch balls.

The Force is not strong with this one, no?

3.  Or maybe they misunderstood their coach’s instructions.

4.  Troysus played without a knee brace and managed to pull in one of his signature interceptions.

But then after that he kind of didn’t do very much, but we’ll not talk of that in this post. [ptewie] [ptewie] [stabs needle into the crotch of Tom Brady voodoo doll for no real reason other than HEE!]

5.  It appears that the Steelers were awarded a first down because the referees haven’t yet mastered the complex concepts of more and less.

Can we have these refs forever and ever? Then next time Jeff Reed misses a field goal by just an inch or so, these guys will be all, “Eh. Close enough!”

I’m not so stupid as to look at that and try to deny that it was a royally mucked up call.

6.  Hines Ward caught a pass, landed in bounds, rolled out of bounds, bobbled the ball a bit, stood up and had a touchdown called back. What the hell?!  How long does a player have to hold on to the ball in order for it to be a touchdown? Do they have to stand up, shove the ball in their pants and walk around with it for a few hours? Take it to practice next week? Buy it dinner? WHAT?

7.  I’m a little worried about the running game, considering we finished with 140 whole yards against the Browns and we’ve got the Vikings and their Norse God Brett Favre to deal with next week. I’m worried that the offensive line didn’t offer enough protection for them. I’m worried that Troysus needs more time.  I’M WORRIED ABOUT NEXT WEEK!

Sorry so late today, peeps.  I’ll try to get the post up sooner  after we crush the Vikings [stabs pin into right arm of Brett Favre voodoo doll and then stabs another pin into the crotch of Tom Brady voodoo doll ... because it's there].

Also, I make you this promise.  If it is cloudy and cool one more day this October, I will kill Steely McBeam. Three times.

[stabs pin into the eyeball of Steely McBeam voodoo doll. Three times.]

You’re welcome.

Dear Jeff Reed,

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean “please be quiet”? I’m sorry. Am I being too loud for your hungover self? Do you want me to go away so that I don’t remind you that you were cited last night for public drunkenness mere HOURS after the close of the game?  Do you want me to just throw some cold water on your face and then walk away so that I don’t remind you that however thin the ice you were skating on already was, last night you laid a piping hot electric blanket over that ice and thinned it to such a brittle state that I’m pretty sure if you so much as flick a cigarette or a pair of the butt-floss your sluts call underwear onto it, it will send you, your sluts, and your empty bottles of Jagermeister down from your perch of “two-time Super Bowl champion kicker” and into the murky, cold, lonely depths of “Oh, weren’t you that guy that used to be somebody and haven’t I seen your pubes on the Internet recently?”

Here’s the thing, Skippy, and I’ll whisper this so as not to make you violently hurl from your hangover … standing alone, your transgressions aren’t THAT horrible.  They’re not good, but they’re not the worst thing ever.  Standing alone, beating up a paper towel dispenser, taking pictures of your nether regions in your bathroom and then Twit-Pic-ing them to some slut, being photographed wearing a tiara and a bib that reads “I [heart] dick”, drunk picture after drunk picture of you in night club after night club, that time I saw you do that thing you do at Diesel … Alone, those things make you a drunk frat-boy … but together, putting all of those things one by one into this giant pot I have here, well, this pot could sink the USS Hal Gill.

This fine sunny morning, and no, I won’t close the curtains, you need to understand, I mean REALLY come to understand three things as the Gospel truth.

1.  Here’s the thing with the Steelers, I’m not proud of it, but it appears they will put up with lots of crap so long as you’re awesome and irreplaceable, if however your job is to kick a ball between the uprights with systematic accuracy, you’re replaceable and you my friend are staring down the barrel of the “we found ourselves another kicker” gun.

2.  With your Steelers job, uniform, and paycheck, you are Jeff Reed, millionaire kicker professional athlete and the sluts will drop to their knees in front of you if you so much as wink at them (gasp!).  But once that gun goes off and terminates you and your job, you become short, stocky, tired-looking, poor, out-of-a-job Jeff Reed who couldn’t get Paris Hilton to sleep with him for all the Valtrex in the world.

3. You, sir, are most likely an alcoholic.  I say this, again, not based on one incident, but on all the incidents we’ve thrown into that big pot. You managed to be drunk enough to warrant citation just a few short hours after you left the stadium.  And what were you celebrating? The Super Bowl? AFC Championship Game? No. You got wasted because we beat the Browns. The BROWNS.  My dogs and a team of partially-trained monkeys could beat the BROWNS.

If you want to remain a Steeler, and honestly, on this morning, I’m not sure that’s even possible, your only hope is to make like Troysus.  You’ve got to become a pariah. You need to get your gross, stinky self out of that bed, and make that rank slut you’ve got there go the hell home. Get up, take a shower for the love of God, and throw away your little book of sluts because need I remind you that you HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? You need to stop drinking, stop partying, stop thinking of yourself as a football God who any woman would be lucky to hit the sack with, stop thinking you’re invincible, and START facing the truth. Your time up on that pedestal you built all by yourself using rotted wood and duct tape  is about to run out and you’re going to wake up one morning in the not too distant future, a morning much like this one, and you’re going to look in the mirror, see your naked self, your sad self, your old-looking self and you’re going to realize too late what you discarded like a used condom.

Don’t come crying to us when that happens and for the love of God, don’t frickin’ Twit-Pic it.

We’ve seen it already and we’re not impressed.

Yours,

Me.

I heard this rumor, but no one printed it, and since it was hearsay on my part, I didn’t print it but City Paper has the balls, the cojones, the donkey omelets of steel to print what I couldn’t believe I heard:

“Off the Record” gives local officials rebuttal time as “guest humorists.” And according to several witnesses who contacted us after the fact, Ravenstahl used his moment on stage to send a message to ACLU state legal director Vic Walczak, who has sharply criticized the city’s handling of G-20 protesters. According to multiple sources, Ravenstahl said something like this: “I heard we’re going to face a free-speech lawsuit. Well, I have some free speech for you — fuck you, Vic Walczak.”

The way I was told it, the very afternoon after he did it, was that Lukey, dressed in riot gear, said, “I got your free speech right here [flip the double bird and sort of motion toward crotch in that Snoop Dogg style] — FUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUU, Vic.”   That’s what I was told.

Er, sorry I just said “fuck” but I’m probably going to have to say it again at some point in this post, so brace yourself, Daddy.

My view is this, Lukey went too far.  Actually, he didn’t just go too far, he saw the line, laughed at the line, erased the line, then got in his spaceship and zoomed to the planet Visuviusium six galaxies away and then kept the hell on going like a fleet of starfighters was on his ass.  THAT’S how far he went.

There’s a time for a politician to joke around, hell, maybe there’s a time for a politician to be all “FUCK YOU!” but in front of an audience of voters who merely had to shell out a few bucks to be in attendance, and during election time to boot… is not that time.

His spokesperson, the talented Joanna Doven said:

“The mayor was pleased to be a guest humorist. He enjoyed himself,” said mayoral spokesperson Joanna Doven. “It raised more than $30,000 for the Food Bank.”

Oh! It was for CHARITY! Okay, the event I’m going to tonight is for charity, so please, come to the bar at the Glass Center and I’ll be all, “Welcome! I’ve got your drink right here. FUCK YOUUUUUUU!”

I’m such a philanthropist.