That's Church

Today in the mail I opened my Columbia Gas bill to discover I have a $64 credit and that I don’t have to make a payment in December.  Yes!

Then I opened a certified letter from the IRS (those usually bring good news or a check, right?) telling me that I made a mistake on my 2007 return and I owe them $2,000.

God Bless America!

So I spent some time on the phone with the IRS, and now my sister is coming up next week at Thanksgiving to help me refile some stuff, and OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS HARD AND TERRIBLE AND PROBLEMS PROBLEMS PROBLEMS.

Do you ever have a day like that? Like woe is me and my miserable life and this stupid shot glass that murdered my garbage disposal in cold blood and this stupid bill that I have to pay and this silly child that has Sharpied eyeshadow onto her eyelids and that’s never coming off and oh, yeah, woe is me because my husband is absolutely incapable of placing dirty clothes in the hamper and instead places them on the floor NEXT TO the hamper because I’m pretty sure he wants me to smother him in his sleep with a pillow and woe is me because my car died and woe is me because this traffic sucks balls and the Steelers lost and woe is me because woe woe woe!

Here’s a little blog that will make your worst day seem like no big deal at all.

Bills? Pshaw.

Sharpie eyeshadow? Meh.

$2,000 to the IRS? I can deal.

This is a local mom, living through hell and Burghers, if I can convince you to just go there and leave her a little comment.  A virtual hug. A prayer. ANYTHING because this is Pittsburgh and we support our people and we rally around them and here’s a woman who deserves every good thing we can send her way to show her that she’s not alone and that we’re all pulling for her to somehow make sense of her tragedy in a way that will let her live the rest of her life the best that she can.

Some things, they just don’t make sense.  They just ARE.  And this just IS and it’s heartbreaking.

(h/t Facie who noticed the pigeon-themed post on the site)

As I’ve indicated before on my blog, my best friend from college lives in Cincinnati and is a die-hard season ticket-holding fan of the Bungles, the Beagles, the PUKE-ITTY SUCKY SUCKS or any other manner of names I’ve thrown at him over the past 15 years (and now that I have just done that math … HOLY EFFIN’ BLIPPITY BLIP BLOOP, I’M OLD!).

He sent me a text last Tuesday asking if I could get him tickets because he wanted to come visit to see the Bengals/Steelers game.

I of course responded in my standard class-ay fashion:

It ended up being that he got called away on a business trip and wasn’t able to come for the game.  When the final whistle blew, I was sure I would be hearing from him via text or email, letting me know that NEENER NEENER NEENER.  But it didn’t come.   All day.  I thought perhaps I had escaped the taunting, but being evil like he is, he ever so softly tagged my facebook wall when I wasn’t looking:

Like I said, I’m a classy broad.

Let’s talk football.

1.  Jimmy Fallon can die.

Bringing up the stupid Madden cover and the Madden curse just when Troysus finally seemed to shake it and BAM!  Injured again.

Look how scared Troy is just being in the same room as that cover!

I suggest that Madden 2011 have Tom Brady and a flock of pigeons on the cover.  And Marian Hossa.

What?

2.  Rashard Mendenhall came back to Earth after several weeks on Cloud Bettis, running for just 36 yards. Meh.

3.  I would just like to take a moment to talk to the ladies about how nice it was when Greg Warren screwed up the field goal snap a bit, forcing Daniel Sepulvedanomnom to have to make a grab for it before setting it, forcing the NFL to show us a nice slow-motion replay where we got to look at Daniel’s body and his nice hands and arms for an extended period of time, especially if you paused and played the already slow motion replay in additional slow motion, and then we got to watch him on the sidelines talking and smiling and just being nom-nomable.  Gosh.  I love football.  Group hug.

Okay, let’s let the guys back in the room.

4.  Benny, Benny, Benny, wherefore art thou fair King of Quarterbackylonia?

Were’st thou so mad with schizophrenia that thou didn’t know whether to throw the ball or not thus resulting in sacks and interceptions?

Were’st thou engaged in frivolities with the village wenches?

Werest thou angered and thusly unfocused because you were tackled by your penis?

Hee.

Were’st thou distracted because thou was busy waiting for thou’s leapfrog partner?

Hey, I didn’t know Logan was a little person!  Man, you learn something new every day.

I don’t know what happened (I suspect it had something to do with a dismal O-line), but I miss our king and he better be back ruling with a pump fake by next week lest I start hating his fug, gross guts again.

Does that make me fickle?

5.  James Harrison lost his cool and punched a guy for no reason other than to punch a guy.  Stay classy, James.

6.  Jeff Reed managed to both score all of our points AND make a complete ass out of himself once again by missing a tackle while looking like a chunky gerbil trying to chase down a puma.

Did I hit that nail on the head or what?

Let’s take a look.

Here we have our fat gerbil and our puma.  Note the gerbil is looking in the opposite direction of the approaching puma and is running AWAY from the puma.

I can’t even be sure what’s going on in the gerbil’s mind at this moment, but I imagine every third word is slut or maybe “It’s Electric! Boogie woogie woogie.”

Now, here the puma has overtaken the gerbil and once again, the gerbil is looking and running AWAY from the very puma he is to be pursuing:

This is confusing.  Does the gerbil just not give a damn about the puma?

And finally, the gerbil is concerned he might be having a heart attack from the exertion he put forth in pretending like he wanted to catch the puma:

Whew.  Someone get that boy a Gatorade.

So, reader carpetbagger has an idea and that is this, why doesn’t Daniel Sepulvedanomnom kick off?

Can you guys answer that for me?  Is a punter incapable/not allowed to handle kickoffs?

Anything would be better than this sexed-up gerbil, considering how dismal our special teams are at not letting the runner get as far as the kicker.

7.  I can’t handle this losing to the Bengals shit.  I really can’t.  And losing in this fashion — the complete utter lack of an offensive touchdown. It’s embarrassing.

Something needs to be fixed and Mike Tomlin best get to fixing it.

8.  Finally, if I ever write a children’s book called The Fat Gerbil and The Puma, in the end, the puma will eat the gerbil and the forest will cheer and fairies will dance.

And finally finally, The Sexed Up Gerbils would make a fantastic punk rock band name.

1.  What They’re Really Thinking will be posted later as usual.  I’ll get to writing it as soon as I’m done burning Jimmy Fallon in effigy.

2.  If you haven’t been following the comments to the most recent Running Lady post, you should because it is very interesting to see how OCD people can be.  As I commented to that post, I wish I could share some stories with you of my sister Tina Fey/Marcia’s OCD behaviors, but I don’t know for sure that she won’t release my space-themed high school graduation picture in retaliation.  Suffice it to say that Tina Fey is our family’s Mr. Monk.

A special treat in those comments is the first ever blog comment of any kind by the elusive Mrs. Woy, the wife of my butler Mike Woycheck.  I want some kind of prize for bringing her out of lurkdom.

I accept only diamonds or Zima.

Or pumpkin-flavored anything.

Preferably fatty evil-doing muffins topped with fatty evil-doing icing.

3.  Today, and today only, PG+ (pronounced grah-huh whoo in Caveman [seriously, I asked Rex!]), is FREE!  You.  Go now and watch Dennis Roddy’s Eve of Construction video.  He’s under the “Insight” tab.  Warning, it will take you a few tries to access the site because apparently they are getting slammed with traffic.

4.  Yesterday at dinner, my son imitated smoking a cigarette by using a raw baby carrot and I was all, “NO MORE TOM and JERRY FOR YOU, MISTER!”  What is that cat teaching my son?!

5.  Bill Peduto sent a blast email out with the subject of “Moving Backward” (awesome!) and in it he outlines why he feels the tuition tax is illegal and just plain a bad idea.  He also hints that later in the week he will have an announcement regarding an alternate way to balance the budget.

I personally think a downtown city-owned outdoor bacon vendor cart would sell millions of dollars every year.  I defy anyone to walk past a bacon station and not buy a strip or seven.

6.  I had wanted to post something about Pitt on Friday, but it just never happened.  I am not normally a  college football fan, but I am a Pitt fan, and realizing they were playing a meaningful game against Notre Dame meant I had to get by butt up on that bandwagon long enough to cheer for their win on Saturday.

This bandwagon is kind of fun so I think I’ll hang just a bit longer, or until the diehards push me off all, “TUCK AND ROLL, PITTGIRL!  Tuck and roll!”

7.  A local teen, Rachel Rothenberg of Squirrel Hill, was the Teen Jeopardy champion winning $75,000 on national television last week, and of course, she’s giving some of her winnings to charity.  Because she’s a Burgher.  It’s what we do.

(h/t Bucdaddy)

8.  Speaking of charity, weeks and weeks of not getting anywhere with the Children’s Hospital fundraiser and suddenly, it’s not raining, it’s pouring.  So much good news to share, just as soon as Mike and I get it all situated.

You and me, Burghers, we are going to bring some sick kids a spot of sunshine.

9.  Sure, the Penguins’ recent losses have been troubling, and even more troubling are the rampant injuries they’re suffering, but George from Carbondale, PA is obviously smoking crack because he thinks we should trade Sidney Crosby because he is “a bust.”

Like I said, smoking crack.

Stay away from my kid, George.  I’m still dealing with this Tom and Jerry nonsense.

10.  The Aviary’s vulture landed on Sally Wiggin’s head.

That’s not code for anything.  Really, the AVIARY’S VULTURE LANDED ON SALLY WIGGIN’S HEAD!

Go watch.

I certainly don’t want to divulge many personal details about the Running Lady, but we have gotten to the bottom of what we originally wanted to know.

She is alive, as you obviously gleaned from the comments to the original post.  The reason you don’t see her downtown anymore is that about two years ago, she quit working downtown. You will catch her running on Provost in Whitehall and if you see her, her name is Amy.

Now, here’s what might be just the weirdest coincidence of my life and further proof that Pittsburgh really is a little big city:

While at NEED, I worked a bit with Amy on planning events when my direct contact at her place of employment was out of the office, and I didn’t even realize who she was.  I will say this.  She is a capable woman who I had many email and phone interactions with and once even followed her about her place of employment as she assisted me in finding another employee.

Guess what?  She walked.  Running isn’t something she HAS to do in the physical sense.  It is something she chooses to do, much in the same way some among us check the stove three times each night before we go to bed (Hiya, Tina Fey!) or have to eat cookies and chips in even numbers (Hiya, Mom!).

So when/if you see her, I suggest you wave, say “Hi, Amy!” and be kind to our local legend regardless of how eccentric she may seem.

I’m sure we’d all like to know more about her, but we should respect her privacy.  For now we know this: She’s alive. She’s well.  She’s running.

So add this to the pile of “shit we have gotten to the bottom of”.  Next?

I’m still working on getting the last few details about Running Lady — heretoforeverafter we shall no longer refer to her as CRAZY Running Lady, and it appears that our fundraiser for getting our sick kids their gaming systems is going to be taking off late next week or early the following week, so stay tuned for those things.

In the meantime, at a community meeting held last night to discuss ways to combat the closing of UPMC Braddock, something unexpected happened:

“He’s running for governor,” Mr. Brown said of Mr. Onorato during a time designated for public comment. “He’s not interested in us anymore.”

Mr. Fetterman then walked up and asked to speak, but Mr. Brown refused to cede the microphone. This led to a grabbing match between the two men, with crowd members booing and jeering. Eventually, Mr. Brown agreed to give the microphone to Mr. Fetterman.

“That’s a disgrace for you to play politics when our hospital is closing,” Mr. Fetterman said. “Dan is a decent man.”

Mr. Fetterman preferred to put the onus of the hospital’s closure on UPMC itself, and he noted that he repeatedly criticized the hospital giant in national media outlets.

Eventually, Mr. Brown tried to grab the microphone back from Mr. Fetterman while he was speaking, and the physically imposing Mr. Fetterman held it behind his back and above his own head to keep it out of Mr. Brown’s reach so he could keep speaking. When he finished with his comments, he gave the microphone back to Mr. Brown and left.

The P-G calls this contentious.  I call this utterly childish.

Playing keep-away in a community meeting?  Bravo.

What’s next?  Luke Ravenstahl holding Doug Shields away by his forehead while Doug tries in vain to land punches?

Bill Peduto walking up to Yarone Zober and putting a finger to his face all, “I’m not touching youuuuu.”

How about you poopyheads grow up a little bit and learn about courtesy and taking turns?

Also, flush.