That's Church

That tweet is obviously from a Packers fan.

This is a good fact for you to tuck away should you ever find yourself in the final moments of Jeopardy and Alex says, “It has been statistically proven that 99% of this NFL team’s fans are the scum of the earth,” you will not only win lots of money, but you will also have a great excuse for when you punch your opponents’ lights out upon winning. “What do you expect? I’m the scum of the Earth, bitches.”

So, yesterday’s game.  So many highest of highs and so many lowest of lows.

Receiving, HIGH! Quarterbacking, HIGH! Special teams, low! Coaching, WTF?! Secondary, TURDS!

Before we talk game, be warned I’ve had a few glasses of wine because I’m finally done with the Tamiflu and that meant drinky drinky.

NOW, let’s talk football.

1.  All hail Benjamin Roethsliberger, The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross! FIVE HUNDRED AND THREE YARDS OF PASSING HOOHA with zero interceptions!

And I wish I could stop there and only be positive, but holy crap Benny, you are looking every syllable of your Duke/Fug title what with the extra fat you’ve stored on your face like an Eskimo preparing for the long winter ahead, and what with your numerous chins, and particularly what with the fug mustache you’re growing for the upcoming retro game.

He needs a shave, a haircut, and negative 30 lbs. of whale blubber.

2.  The reason Benny had to throw for so many yards and still only win the game by 1 point was due in part to the once again sucky performance of the Steelers secondary, including whiny-turdy butt Ryan Clark who gave up some very big plays that cost the Steelers some points.  Something was very rotten in the state of Steelerdom yesterday.

I’m sure he’s depressed as all hell about his performance yesterday, so here’s me saying a little prayer that he doesn’t go home and BEAT HIS WIFE like depressed people naturally do.

3.  We briefly interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking post to gaze longingly, lovingly, and lustfully on one Troysus Polamalu, savior of the secondary:

[blink]

[blink]

[sigh]

Now, back to our regular programming.

4.  The only thing more idiotic than Mike Tomlin’s call for an onside kick in the fourth when the Steelers were leading by 2 with minutes to go in the game, was what Mike Tomlin SAID about that failed play call:

“I wear that like a badge of honor,” Tomlin said.

What the …?  BLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

It was a dumb decision, not a freaking badge of honor.  If Mike Wallace hadn’t pulled in that Christmas Miracle pass with 0.00 remaining on the clock, and Mike Tomlin had gone into his press conference to say, “I wear that like a badge of honor” about the onside kick, I would have SERIOUSLY considered revoking his Smokin’ Hot Burgher status.

Luckily, they won, so he gets a pass, but not from Gerry Dulac who gave Tomlin a big red F for coaching the game yesterday.

5.  Max Starks.  Oy.  I have a lot of love for Max because he served as the spokesperson for NEED, where I used to work, and that means it hurts me to say mean things about him.  So I’ll let MY FATHER say mean things about him.  “That Max Starks is useless today.  What a terrible football player he is right now.  Look at him, just hopping in a big circle like he’s doing a rain dance around a fire pit, instead of actually blocking.  And he’s gotten too fat or something.  Like he’s too big to move.”

This of course descended into a Casey Hampton Is Fat conversation, so we’ll end it there.

But remember, Max, I didn’t PERSONALLY say anything bad about you. It was my Daddy who said you suck.

6. Heath and Hines had amazing games with over 100 yards receiving each, but the story of the game is of course the two incredible touchdowns by Mike Wallace, who was a member of my fantasy football team Skippy’s Sluts.

His last-second SuperBowl MVP-like catch with his toes hugging the turf and his body falling down and away was enough to pull me out of my chair so that I could jump around the room a bit.  And I bet I wasn’t the only one acting all crazy.

7. Now, I know it happened in my house and I wonder if it happened in yours.  When the review came in that the touchdown call stood and that the game would be extended to give Jeff Reed the chance to kick the extra point, did any of you guys say, “Oh, man. Watch Jeff Reed shank the extra point,” or something like that?

But he didn’t.  In addition to being accurate on three field goals, he sent that extra point through the uprights and for the first time in six games, the Steelers have actually WON!

Ew.

So we have a win and there is actually talk that the Steelers have “kept their playoff hopes alive,” which is odd because I thought our playoff chances were dead.

From what I’m reading, what needs to happen is that the Steelers have to win their remaining two games, and the Ravens have to lose their remaining games and then they have to get in a time-machine and go back and lose two or three more games.  Then the Denver Broncos have to get caught in a major drug scandal that negates all of their early season wins.  Then the Jets need to be overrun with the Swine Flu and they need to infect the entire Jaguars team with it.   Then we have to sacrifice Ryan Clark to the football Gods because they are depressed and they want someone they can beat the shit out of for a bit.

True story.

Yeah, yeah.  I’m going to write What They’re Really Thinking, as soon as I’ve had a few glasses of wine.

But in the meantime, I received an email DIRECTLY from 84 Lumber’s spokesperson Jeff, informing me that the latest Mrs. Joe Hardy is 51-years-old.

Not going to lie.  I’m shocked.

WTAE informs us that she was a massage therapist in Florida until a few years ago.  This is her fourth marriage as well.

The Post-Gazette has pictures of their wedding day!

And that’s all I’m going to say about that because, psst, 84 Lumber is reading this.

I bet the “fake breasts” comment canceled out any chance I had of getting invited to a Joe Hardy party so that I could see his hyena.

That’s not a euphemism.

Moments ago:

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and leaders of some of the city’s largest non-profit organizations have reached an agreement that will allow the mayor’s controversial tuition tax to be tabled.

The University of Pittsburgh, Carnegie Mellon University and Highmark will make contributions, although they were unspecified.

The awesome:

Pittsburgh is free from this tution tax ridiculousness.

The meh:

This feeling I can’t shake that Lukey got exactly what he originally wanted.  He threatened the universities with a tuition tax that he knew wouldn’t stand up in court, a tuition tax he HAD to know was bad PR for Pittsburgh, a tuition tax that could have easily cost him the next election and for that reason alone we must assume he was playing chicken with the local major nonprofits to force them to either call his bluff or play it safe and donate.

I honestly don’t believe for one iota of a second that Lukey thought the tuition tax would ever be enforced.  It seems to me it came out of a meeting that led off with the question,

Lukey: “We’ve got to fix this pension problem.  Where can we find $16 million dollars?”

Bob: “Could we look internally and trim some fat here?”

Dread Lord: “[bitchslaps Bob] Get your shit and get out of here.  Merry Christmas, you’re fired.”

Lukey: “Too bad we can’t force the nonprofits to give us money.”

Dread Lord: “Oh, but there is a way.  MWAH-HAHAHAH!  A tuition tax!”

Liz: “Um, that doesn’t seem legal.”

Dread Lord: “[shrieks so loud a demon pigeon flies out of his gaping maw of a mouth] DESTROY HER!”

[Lukey's thuggish bodyguards drag away Liz, who wails, "NOT THE DUNGEON, DREAD LORD! PLEASE!"]

And from that meeting, this convoluted game of chicken was born and Lukey won.

Again.

But whatever, NO TUITION TAX!

Merry Christmas, Pittsburgh!

84 Lumber bamillionaire Joe Hardy, AGED 85 86!!!!,  has finally finished mourning his divorce from that 26-year-old he married in 1997 and his divorce from the 23-year-old he married in 2007, and his breakup with the 22-year-old he rebounded with thereafter, because over the weekend, he married AGAIN.

All 84 Lumber will say about his latest wife, Rebecca Davis of Florida, is that she is “middle-aged.”

This is Joe Hardy, AGED 85 86!!!!, we’re talking about, a man who has for the past decade or so not so much as made eye-contact with a woman unless she is at least 60 years his junior, so I’m guessing “middle-aged” means “39-year-old former beauty queen currently sporting large fake breasts.”

If however, it comes out that by “middle-aged” they mean “35-years-old,” then THIS 35-year-old spring chicken will choke a bitch.

Either way, Joe Hardy needs his own reality show because I will watch that train-wreck religiously.  Bonus points if Hugh Hefner pops in on occasion for Viagra parties with Joe while their women take turns practicing using a defibrillator.

This post was written prior to yesterday’s win over the Packers, but I’m going to post it anyway for two reasons, 1. I spent time on it and 2. the secondary still sucks.

While I was sick, Steelers safety Ryan Clark apparently went batshit crazy because his poor widdle feelwings were hurt by all of the fans and the media taking issue with the fact that the Steelers took Abject Suck lessons from the Pirates.

Let’s have a look at some of the dumb shit Ryan Clark said on the record last week.

1. Dumb shit the first.

“The one thing I’m not going to do, I’m not going to be depressed,” he said. “I’m not going to go home and beat my wife, you know what I mean?”

No, we don’t know what you mean, because the rest of us, if we were speaking that sentence, we would probably say something like I’m not going to be depressed and go home and drink.  Or go home and sleep for three days.  Or go home and watch Anne of Green Gables for 12 straight hours (at least that’s my therapy for depression and it totes works).  No, Ryan Clark went with GO HOME AND BEAT MY WIFE.

Because that is apparently what he believes people naturally do when they are depressed.  Beat their spouses.

Dear Ryan Clark.  Depressed people don’t beat their wives.  Assholes do.

2. Dumb shit the second.

“You watch the [Philadelphia] Eagles, you watch the big plays. You watch things given up. And I started checking other media outlets. You don’t hear the things about them in their media that you hear about us. So either we’re held to a higher standard or the people that write about us are turds.”

This smells SUSPICIOUSLY like Ryan is making an excuse.  Everyone else gives up big plays, so why you got to whine when we do, huh, Steeler nation?  Huh?

I’ll tell you why, Ryan, because A. you won the Super Bowl last year yet this year you’re playing like a team of geriatric paraplegics and B. the Eagles are 9-4 and you are 6-7 and C. YOU ARE PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO NOT GIVE UP BIG PLAYS.

It’s your motherloving  job and if your job was to, I don’t know, plow the roads and you didn’t plow the roads, guess what?  People would whine and write about it and would hold you not to a HIGHER standard, but the ONLY standard by which you are to do your job and that is this standard … DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.

And if you think the national media hasn’t a negative thing to say about the Steelers, have a look at #4, scanned in from this week’s edition of ESPN magazine:

3.  Dumb shit the third.

Clark posted a letter he received from a fan on the team’s bulletin board in the locker room. He said the writer basically details “why we stink so bad.” He invited reporters to read it, but a club spokesperson removed it before that happened.

Maybe you stink so bad, because you’re a turd.  Or because you have turds in your diaper, you whiny baby.

4.  Dumb shit the fourth.

“It’s obviously frustrating, but it’s not going to be despair,” Clark said. “You get hate mail from fans, they tell you that you [stink] and all that. And that’s fine, because there’s a reason they watch the game.”

Yes, Ryan, PLEASE don’t despair. We don’t want you going home and beating the shit out of your wife “in despair.”

Also, $100 says he said “suck” where it says “[stink]“.  Why won’t PG use the word suck? It’s a fantastic word. As Buddy the Elf says, “IT’S VERY SUCKY!”

Update:  You owe me $100 because “suck” it was.

5. Dumb shit the fifth.

“This becomes your life, this takes over your life. We’re working hard, man. None of us are going out there like I want to give up a play today. None of us are going out there like we want to lose.”

Ryan, you have lost to the Raiders, the Chiefs, and the Browns. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you guys don’t want to lose? Because by my math, there are only two possible sums of Loss to Raiders + Loss to Chiefs + loss to Browns, and those are “SUCK” or “DESIRE TO LOSE.”

There is no math in any book that would let those add up to “Man, we’re really trying out here and this is our lives and we’re trying not to go home and beat our wives and you’re hurting my feelings and where’s my binky?”

6.  Dumb shit the sixth.

“We have passionate fans, and I love playing in Pittsburgh. You know, I’ve never been in a place that cares more about their sports, their heroes … I love playing here. That one fan or those 10 fans doesn’t discount the whole Steeler nation.”

Ryan, if you believe that there are only ten angry Steelers fans out there right now, I’d like to throw a match in your sippy cup to see just what the hell you are drinking.

We’re pretty much all of the opinion that you guys suck donkey omelets this year.  We all pretty much could probably have written the “you suck” letter you posted from that fan.  Because, you see, Ryan, YOU GUYS SUCK.

It’s like Buddy the Elf says, “Fransiscooooo.  That’s fun to say.  Fransiscooooooo.”

No, I have no point.  I just love that movie.

What’s your favorite color?!