That's Church

You guys know about Secret Agent L, right? Pittsburgh’s anonymous do-gooder who has been spreading random acts of day-brightening all around the city for close to a year now.

She is the subject of a Pittsburgh Magazine article this month, and she is revealing her identity on July 24 at a reveal event at Firehouse Lounge, benefiting charity.

Last week, Wear Pittsburgh unveiled a new design in conjunction with Secret Agent L:

The best thing about this shirt is that I don’t need to worry about my wardrobe for the reveal event. Jeans, shirt, strappy heels, done.

Also, Secret Agent L, I’ve been waiting a long time for my requested act of day-brightening. You know, finding ANY self-united husband or a half-dozen terrified pigeons tied to the hood of my car, and in either case, with a little note that says, “Do what you will.”

Forbes.com has ranked the most hated people in professional sports.

Let’s take a look:

1. Michael Vick, dog-killer, scum.

2. Al Davis, shitty owner. Where’s Nutting?! I’d like to see him on the list next year.

3.  Benjamin Roethlisberger, alleged sexual-assaulter, confirmed asshole. They used the Mullethawkenberger picture. Hee. Ben could broker peace in the Middle East, personally suck up every drop of oil in the Gulf, pee a rainbow and shoot gold dust out of his ass and that hair style will STILL come back to haunt him.

4. Tiger Woods, man-whore. Wow. People hate Ben more than they hate Tiger. I’m actually surprised by that.

Also, yesterday while watching golf, what was it? The US Open? My brother-in-law, who was cheering for Tiger Woods, was aghast, AGHAST I TELL YOU, that Phil Mickelson gave attitude to the marshal at one of the holes. Because, you see, being a good and decent family-man who gets occasionally testy during important tournaments is WORSE than being a wife-cheating raging man-whore. Who knew?!

5. Jerry Jones, annoying son of a bitch.

6. Mark McGwire, juiced-up asterisk-wearer.

7. Terrell Owens. Can I use this again, please? I strongly dislike that motherbleeper.

8. Alex Rodriguez. Ptooie. Ptooie. Hiss. [evil eye]

9. Allen Iverson. I don’t follow NBA basketball, so I don’t know him from Michael Jordan.

10. Gilbert Arenas, gun-loving Wizard. Like Harry Potter with a 9mm Glock. [pew pew]

Final thought: I’d also like to see Steely McBeam on this list next year.

And at least three of the Flyers.

And Bill Belichick.

And Pierre What’shisjerkface.

And Versus.

Isn’t that the name of one of the pierogies? Or maybe I’m thinking of the resident call-girl on Sesame Street.

Either way, BIG GIANT PIEROGI NEWS!

Andrew Kurtz, 24, of New Brighton, one of the 18 men who take turns posing as pierogies in a crowd-pleasing race after the fifth inning of every game at PNC Park, was dismissed by the team Thursday because he posted disparaging remarks about the Pirates on his Facebook page.

What did he say on his Facebook page? This:

“Coonelly extended the contracts of Russell and Huntington through the 2011 season. That means a 19-straight losing streak. Way to go Pirates.”

There are pretty much two ways you can react to his firing:

1. Bemoan it as yet another infringement on the right to free speech.

2. Wonder why in the world he would take to facebook to insult his part-time employer, because that’s just asking for a “We don’t need your soft pasta pocket or cheesy potato insides anymore” letter.

Me, I honestly keep flip-flopping between 1 and 2.

On one hand, IS THIS NOT THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS AMEN?!

On the other hand, as Dooce famously says regarding her being fired for blogging about her employers, “Be ye not so stupid.”

On one hand, it was one little facebook message to his friends. It wasn’t on any public forum all, “THE PIRATES ARE THE WORST MANAGED TEAM IN ALL OF SPORTS! MY NAME IS PIEROGI CHESTY MCCHEESY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!”

On the other hand, the country is full of such circumstances where people have been fired for this exact thing. I ought to know. It happened to me. While I never wrote about my employer, I did write negatively about “friends of the organization,” and that was a no-no. Bye-bye, paycheck. Hello, my face on CNN and other less-reputable websites.

On one hand, I value our freedom of speech and in a perfect world, it’d be nice to know we can really express a negative opinion without fear of firing.

On the other hand, I also value making smart choices, and if Andrew made disparaging comments about his employer knowing that his employer was his facebook friend, that is not a smart choice.

On the other hand, maybe Andrew was bit in the ass by Facebook’s ever-changing privacy settings. I mean, I’ve fiddled with my privacy settings enough that I either have it so the whole world can see embarrassing pictures of me, or only three Jupitonians on Jupiter can. Who can know?!

On one hand, the Pirates are the worst managed team in all of sports and if one little negative facebook message is enough for them to toss a pierogi in the trash, they SERIOUSLY have either a sensitivity issue and should take some Midol, or they have a denial issue, and should sell the team to Mario Lemieux.

If this is their reaction to a facebook status, could you imagine if my employer had been the Pirates when I outed myself and they found an entire blog partially dedicated to detailing the suck of the team and the ownership? I’d have been tied down and used as home plate for an entire week. And I’d have spent it punching every sucky player in the junk.

Pirates spokesman Brian Warecki on Friday night said, “While we cannot discuss the specifics of the dismissal, we can say that a part-time employee serving a suspension for a previous violation of company policy was terminated for committing yet another violation of company policy.”

On one hand, he apparently violated “company policy” twice. On the other hand, is “expressing an opinion” a violation of company policy?

But don’t worry about Andrew, he has apparently been offered the opportunity to be a racing hot dog for the Wild Things. No more pasta pockets with cheesy filling for this phallis-shaped pig byproduct!

Lucky guy! Also, I need a shirt that says, “I got fired for blogging and all I got was my face on an ad for a porn website.”

Which, true story.

And speaking of Jupitonians on Jupiter … LOL!

Screw Monday.

A good way to screw it is to ignore the fact that it’s happening.

A good way to ignore the fact that it’s happening is to not do any work.

A good way to not do any work is to go read my two latest offerings over at Pittsburgh Magazine:

1. My latest blog post, In Which I Talk About Elephants as a Viable Means of Transportation, contains further thoughts on the financial troubles at the Port Authority, now that I’ve had time to read all the comments and emails I’ve received regarding my “This Again” post.

2. My July column is up, Ticket to Ride. This one about how the Kennywood of my youth is not the same as the Kennywood of my adulthood.

I mean seriously. WEAR SOME CLOTHES, KIDS!

Also, special bonus, El DeBarge gets a mention. WOO!

Next month’s topic? Who can and cannot claim to be a Burgher. Hint: Dennis Miller, yes.  Sienna Miller, no.

Go read. I suggest an occasional George Costanza huff of exasperation followed by a few random smacks of your keyboard, just so it really looks like you’re working.

Dear previous boss of mine, No, I never did that. Ever. Wink.

Best part, their contracts were extended in secret last October.

[Golf clap], Coonelly. [Golf clap], you giant doofus.