That's Church

Alternate Title: The weatherpeople all shit the bed.

Alternate Alternate Title: Salt Trucks. DO THEY EXIST? [X-Files Music]

Yesterday evening as my husband and I prepared to leave our children with the sitter so we could head down to the Pens game, the skies, forecast to remain closed until the early morning hours at which time they might give us 1-3 inches of snow, suddenly opened up and projectile vomited forth a wind-whipped blizzard of giant clumpy snowflakes.

I hate being in a car during a snowstorm and my husband hates being in a car with me during a snowstorm because I tend to freak out from residual trauma from an icy bridge spin in Arkansas — state motto: Nightmares happen here. And then you die.

I am such a terrible snow passenger that he created a drinking game on the way to the arena.

Each time I said, “Honey. Be careful.” he pretended to take one shot.

Each time I slammed my open hand against my car door attempting to brace myself for the certain vehicular catastrophe we would experience traveling at 30 mph, he pretended to take two shots.

Each time I said with panic while pumping an imaginary passenger side brake, “Leave more room for stoppage!” he pretended to take three shots.

And each time I put my head between my knees and said any manner of “Oh, sweet Jesus.” or “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” he pretended to drink the whole bottle.

While those to the north of the city at this time (about 5:40 p.m.) were tweeting how horrible the roads were, coming from the East actually wasn’t bad at all. Just slushy, really.

Sitting in the arena during the game, we periodically checked the weather and tweets, etc. only to read increasingly worrisome things like “Shit. Spun out.” or “Couldn’t make it home. Crashing at a friend’s house.” or “Tunnels shut down. WTF?” or “HELL HAS COME, ALL YE PEOPLE OF PITTSBURGH. WHERE IS YOUR GROUNDHOG GOD NOW?”

We left the arena after the second period …

Yes. We are the worst fans in the history of the Penguins. We don’t deserve the tickets. We don’t deserve the opportunity to be there. We should not be allowed to call ourselves Penguins fans, etc. etc. etc.

We had a sitter waiting for us. She needed to get home. We’re going to talk about this “PEOPLE WHO LEAVE EARLY ARE ASSHOLE BANDWAGON FANS” mentality another time, because it needs to be talked about, but this post is about driving through hell on untouched roads, not asshole bandwagon fans like me.

So just for now, put aside your indignation at me and many parents like me who dare to leave a game early. You can stone me later. Here, I’ll hang my head in shame for a second if that’ll help.

[hangs head in shame]

We left the arena to be met with exactly what the Penguins of Madagascar found upon arriving in Antartica. Suck.

So much snowy suck. Are we walking on the street or the sidewalk? Who can know because the roads hadn’t been touched downtown.

The Parkway looked like this:

Then we hit the other side of the Squirrel Hill Tunnels to find a giant snowy parking lot. No one was going anywhere. We gave up around 10:00 and headed to a nearby Eat n Park to wait out whatever it was that stopped everything. In this case, it turned out to be a jackknifed tractor trailer at the Forest Hills exit, we were told.

We weren’t the only thing that quit at 10:00. The buses gave up too, probably stranding lots of real, non-asshole bandwagon fans at the arena.

One hour, two cups of coffee and a shared Grilled Stickies a la Mode later, the Parkway was crawling again, so we sent the babysitter a text and ventured back out to attempt another run at home.

It was ridiculous. Not one salt truck or plow spotted. Cars spun out. Trucks mired in snow drifts. People abandoning their cars.

I realize this storm was unexpected. I realize it was a holiday. But this morning, some eight hours after the snow stopped, downtown streets were still covered in an inch or more of snow and ice. Eight or nine hours after accumulation stopped and the city was still almost entirely snow-covered, including the primary routes. Major arteries just clogged with artery-clogging snow.  And “emergency routes”? I’m beginning to think that means “In case of emergency, this road will be a fun place to sit and watch screaming, terrified people do 360s in the snow. BYOPopcorn.”

We did make it home safely last night after midnight. Between the door slaps and the PLEASE BE CAREFULs and the Oh, sweet baby Jesus in heaven I DO NOT WANT TO DIE TONIGHTs, my husband had approximately 244 “shots” over the 16 harrowing, treacherous miles home.

And we aren’t even counting the times as we prepared to descend a steep hill that I sincerely requested he try to render me unconscious with a Vulcan nerve pinch.

That’s just off the drinking game charts. That’s on the “My Wife Done Lost Her Mind” charts.

Okay, you may stone me now. I just ask that before you do it, you try the Vulcan nerve pinch on me.

You may have heard the rumors that Dark Knight is set to film a good number of scenes in Pittsburgh this summer, but they’ve been just that, rumors.

You have one man to thank for this tidbit of info being picked up by the local media, the owner of the ScareHouse, Scott Simmons who picked it up via an item in the Hollywood Reporter. But the Reporter article wasn’t very clear and Scott himself was all, “Wait. I can’t tell, but does this mean Dark Knight is filming in Pittsburgh?!”

People didn’t care if it was true or not. After Scott found the article, twitter went nuts and then the local media went nuts reporting the rumor with headlines like “Dark Knight to film in Pittsburgh?”

I emailed the film office, like others did, but was given no confirmation. More of a “we’ll see!” So I decided to wait and see. I didn’t want to be all SQUEEE only to have my squeee viciously popped. Sad squeee. Worse than a sad trombone.

Then came news that Corbett froze the Film Tax Credits until the budget is complete next month and Nancy Mosser casting said this:

FILM FRIENDS FRIENDS WHO WANT FILM TO CONTINUE IN PITTSBURGH: Yesterday they announced the next BATMAN movie will film in Pittsburgh. This movie is coming because of the PA Film Tax Credit. This is the only tax program in PA that costs us nothing & brings in a ton of money.

TODAY we got news that Corbett put a freeze on the tax credit until after the budget is finalized next month. The producers of Batman and 2 other movies have all said if the money is not released they WILL go elsewhere and Pittsburgh will lose an astronomical amount of money.

Call, write or email your representative and the Governor & tell them to release the tax credit so we have work & BATMAN!!

But even then, Batman was still just a rumor, so I again went to the Film Office armed with the Nancy Mosser info and still nothing was confirmed.  So I kept quiet. Waiting. And hoping.

Now Scott posts this picture on his twitter account, taken February 18 and “we’ll see” has basically become “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE?!”

Director Christopher Nolan spotted on Smithfield.

It’s still not confirmed by the Film Office or Warner Brothers and the tax credit thing still might come into play, but for now …

Holy superhero. Batman. Pittsburgh.

To the Stalkermobile!

1. I like to read the comments that go into my spam queue because it’s how I stumble upon awesome spam comments like this:

I am glad to be a visitant of this gross blog ! , thankyou for this rare information! .

You’re welcome, you disgusting piece of shit! Come again, before too soon!

2. THON is awesome because it’s for SICK KIDS, and this year Penn State students raised via THON over $9.5 million dollars.

With the reveal of this year’s fundraising total in the Bryce Jordan Center on Sunday afternoon — $9,563,016.09 — it seems there are no limits in sight for the Interfraternity Council/Panhellenic Dance Marathon and largest student-run philanthropy’s fight against pediatric cancer.

Cancer is such a bitch. Pediatric cancer is the mother bitch. This is a giant slap to the face of pediatric cancer. Awesome.

(h/t Lindsey)

3. Some of you have asked about donating games to the Make Room for Kids effort. I’m working on putting something together for you all. Perhaps a wish list or a list of which gaming systems we have that we could use games for. Sit tight and I promise to give you an outlet for donating what you’ve got.

Gracias!

4. Haiku master Will imagines what would happen if me and Burgh Baby’s mom took on Dee Thompson and Alby Oxenreiter.

Bring it on.

5. I like to think of flesh-eating bacteria as a fake thing — a funny thing we like to say but that doesn’t really exist. “East Kabumfuck.” “Rumplestiltskin.”  “Flesh-eating bacteria.”

I do not like to hear this about a Burgher:

“In my opinion, I think Dr. McCormick saved his life,” said Robert Kang, the plastic surgeon who later would graft skin over gaping, muscle-deep wounds that covered both sides of Mr. Wise’s lower abdomen and groin.

Oh my God. You must read the whole article.

I am THIS CLOSE to Google Image searching for “flesh-eating bacteria” but I can’t bring myself to do it.

One of yinz do it and tell me how bad it is on a scale of 1 to Vomit. Thanks.

6. I’m not normally a tattoo, beard, long-hair kind of girl, but screw it. I am confirming that I want Joe Beimel to make the team this year.

I bet he’d be fun to watch.

From photo day down at Bradenton:

I mean, if we’re going to suck again this year, at least give us something fun to watch.

Related: Ryan Doumit’s alien eyes scare the bejeezus out of me.

Don’t stare at them too long. Bad things happen.

And I say that as the unofficial driver of the bandwagon.

Alternate title: In which I defend Joanna Doven and then teach her how the new Facebook Pages work.

In what might be my favorite twist of irony since [insert awesome ironic thing here, Alanis], in the immediate aftermath of Joanna Doven, press secretary to Lukey Ravenstahl [AKA, All your twitters are belong to us], talking to the media about the common sense of having a social media policy to govern Council’s use of it during Council meetings, she herself made a social media boo-boo that I can relate to, but in her case, IS A MUCH LARGER BOO-BOO.

However, it was just that. A mistake. A boo-boo. Social media faux pas. Like replying to all when you meant to reply to one. Etc.

Let’s take a look at what happened.

Joanna used the City of Pittsburgh’s Facebook account to “Like” Vince Pallus’ page after writing this on her personal wall:

“Are you a City resident that is disgusted with the actions of some Council Members? Make sure you fan Vince Pallus for Pittsburgh City Council, running against Darlene Harris…he’s a good guy and will work hard for the people of Pittsburgh, not to just to get his own road paved!”

So, stick with me. As “Joanna Doven” she supports Vince Pallus and said so. But she “Liked” him as “City of Pittsburgh,” accidentally, she says.

And Doug Shield laughed maniacally and probably bopped up and down like a kid about to get a lollipop from the doctor as he said to the press: “She should not be linking the city of Pittsburgh to a political campaign, which is exactly what she did.”

Never one to turn down media exposure, a political analyst chimed in … aghast:

Doven said it was a mistake — just a Facebook glitch. Political analyst Joseph Sabino Mistick called that a “lousy” explanation.

Except it’s not, and I’ll get to that in a sec, just stick with me here. STICK WITH ME. DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME.

Joanna issued this statement:

“Before work hours and from home, I wrote a personal statement on my personal Facebook page supporting Vince Pallus for Pittsburgh City Council. In this statement, I encouraged my friends to “fan” or “like” Vince Pallus’s Facebook page. Right after, I myself fanned his page. From my personal Facebook account I am also able to administer the City of Pittsburgh Facebook page. I can only guess that because I am an administrator on the City of Pittsburgh Facebook page, that it appeared on Vince Pallus’s page that the City of Pittsburgh also “liked” him. When I became aware of this fact, I immediately removed the City of Pittsburgh “like”. I have an inquiry into Facebook as to why this happened. I have “liked” people or organizations from my personal Facebook page without this happening. To be clear, the intention was for Joanna Doven, the individual, to “like” Vince Pallus, not the City of Pittsburgh. In the meantime, to ensure this does not happen again, I have changed the administration functions for the City of Pittsburgh Facebook page so that in order to administer that page, you must log-on to a separate Facebook account.”

Internet, you recall the reason I revealed my identity was because I effed up on Facebook, do you not? So I feel a bit for Joanna, granted in her role, she needs to be EXTRA EXTRA CAREFUL, JOANNA!

However, I doubt it was a facebook glitch and more just Joanna switching between Joanna Doven and City of Pittsburgh without realizing it or doing it and forgetting which she was using facebook as, due to recently instituted changes to the way facebook pages work.

Let me demonstrate!

I administer basically three facebook things. 1. My Ginny Montanez account. That’s my personal stuff. Don’t friend me there. There are lots of pictures of me looking REAL BAD there. 2.  Jane Pitt, my formerly anonymous account.  Jane Pitt is the administrator of the That’s Church page, much the same way Joanna Doven is the administrator of the City of Pittsburgh page.

Still with me? CLEAR!

It used to be if I wanted to “Like” something on facebook, I had to be Jane Pitt. That’s Church couldn’t “Like” your page. NO THUMBS UP FOR YOU!

Then, about a week ago, ch-ch-ch-changes!

I’m still not used to all the changes, and yesterday while using facebook as a “Page”, it recommended for me that I might want to like “Burgh Baby” and I was all, WAIT. I THOUGHT I ALREADY DID.

It was like this on my right margin:

So I clicked on “Like” and boom! Realized that That’s Church had just “Liked” Burgh Baby much the same way Joanna probably switched over to using facebook as “City of Pittsburgh” and it realized from her previous mention of Vince, that she might want to “Like” him too. She probably clicked it and BAM! GRANT STREET DRAMA!

Then I realized that “That’s Church” can also COMMENT as “That’s Church.” Cah-razy.

Now, please, City Council, Joanna, Lukey, I know I’m a nobody, but LISTEN TO ME. Just this once, I think I’ve got something worthy to say to you.

THIS is why the City needs the social media policy for all employees. This is why council must be sure to spell out in detail how council can and can not use social media during work hours and during council meetings.

The City of Pittsburgh page must be tied to a personal administrator page, therefore, as long as Facebook is set up this way, there is going to be the risk that whoever’s personal account is linked to it, might accidentally like, say, “That’s Church” while logged in as “City of Pittsburgh.”

The social media policy should outline what Joanna can and cannot do on personal time if she wishes to continue to administer the city’s facebook page. It should be specific. It should determine what should happen if a mistake like this happens again, AND IT WILL. It should leave no stone unturned in an effort to protect the City from lawsuits it can’t afford.

Stop the ridiculous fighting and running to the media all, “Neener neener neener” and do what’s … are you ready? … ready? … BEST FOR PITTSBURGH.

Instead, everyone is so contentiously hateful of one another that simple things get blown to high heaven like they were loaded with C-4.

Chill out. Joanna made a mistake. Mistakes will continue to happen as long as social media is evolving the way it is. Instead of picking at each other and being “baffled” by each other and scolding each other in the press, how about you just sit down and fix. this. shit?

Which is supposed to be the reason you got into politics in the first place, is it not?

Joanna has faults. YES. Lukey has faults. BIG ONES. But, my city council friends, whoever it is that each of you have got telling you you’re perfect? Fire them. They’re lying to your face.