That's Church

I realize that as Penguins fans, we’re supposed to love each Penguin no matter what, and many of you do.

But there’s this:

I’m sorry, but the previous talk that Matt Cooke is a dirty player has risen to a deafening roar and I’m kind of over Matt Cooke now. He’s playing in the NHL right when the debate about head hits has reached a climax, with Mario fighting for tougher suspensions and even team fines, all because of what happened to Sidney, and Matt Cooke goes and elbows a player IN THE HEAD. Now judgmental eyes of Penguins haters aren’t only on Matt Cooke, they’re on Mario for employing him. [golf clap], Matt. I hope the satisfaction of your elbow connecting with his noggin was worth the trouble you’re causing.

I’m still cheering for the Pens, and when Cooke returns from his suspension, however long it is, I’ll cheer for him because he’s a Pen, but I’m not going to defend him because I know that if some Philadelphia Flyer laid that hit on Sidney Crosby, I’d be gnashing my teeth and grabbing my pitchfork out of my basement to join the front lines of the angry huevo-hunting mob.

Cookie better watch his huevos.

I spoke at Pitt-Greensburg on Friday as part of their writer’s festival. The way the session was set up, I was to present briefly on my story. Who I am, what I did, and most of all, I’m afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling again  …

Wait. I just lapsed into Dirty Dancing dialogue, didn’t I?

Awkward.

Anyway, after spending about ten minutes talking about The Burgh Blog, quitting, revealing myself, getting my sorry self fired, and more, I took some questions from the audience.

Wait. I skipped something. As I sat near the stage waiting for the session to start, I noticed this near the corner of the small stage:

And I said, “CRAP! DO THEY THINK I’M GOING TO SHARE MY KICKASS BEAT POETRY WITH THEM ON THE FLY?!” I mean, I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t even bring my cigarettes with me. Or my beret and black turtleneck and anger!

Luckily, those weren’t there for me.

After I spoke, the students in the web writing course then each presented their blogs and I wanted to share them with you because they are pretty freaking awesome.

In the order they appear on my sheet:

Musings from FayetteNam: As you would expect, this blog is all about the amazing things that happen in Fayette County, where good taste goes to die, and is written by a student who is from Fayette County.  This post shares the recent story of the couple that fought each other with frying pans, and as she points out, the big question is whether they each had a frying pan to smack each other about the head with or if they shared a frying pan.  This is surely a mystery for CSI: Podunk.

Rolling Nomad: A mountain biking blog in which the author posts some really great snapshots. It’s truly a blog with a distinct voice that basically cracks my shit up for lines like this: “We put a turbo in the Nissan Juke so you can be as promiscuous with the ladies as you are with your music! I have a number of problems with this. I’ve never met a girl that was impressed out of her pants by car, let alone a Japanese economy suv thing. And lastly, putting a turbo in a car that looks like a retarded manatee trapped inside a Sketchers Shape-Up is not going to allow me to have ‘sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.’ Unless I can find a girl that’s really turned on by sea-life and bad tennis shoes.” Awesome.

A Conscious Omnivore: Food blog written by Justin whose bio says, “For seventeen years corn was my favorite vegetable. Then I learned it was a grain.” LOL.  The goal of his new eating habits was to “slow down his food” and to help you see your food better too. Very interesting and kinda makes me feel embarrassed that I ate cookies for breakfast.

Girl’s a Gearhead: Rachel is probably many guys’ dream girl. She’s 22, adorable, and could probably rebuild the engine of your car. Her father is a mechanic, his father was a mechanic, two uncles on her father’s side are mechanics. Wait. Did I just lapse into My Cousin Vinny dialogue? Sorry. Her father is a mechanic and Rachel grew up around his shop and has helped him work on cars. She also drag races.  Think I’m exaggerating her love of cars? “But fortunately the motor turned over about twice and she breathed her first breaths of life! It was a really emotional, and loud, moment for me. Needless to say I burst into tears when it started. It was like all the work from the past 9 months just became real.”

The Alternative and the Underground: The writer classifies herself as Gothic and likes to talk and write about “weird” things, her most recent of which is her love of Little Apple Dolls, which she admits can look a little creepy. People. Burgh Baby. LOOK AT THESE CREEPY CREEPY DOLLS!

I want my Mommy and some sort of supernatural shield to stop them from eating my soul.

The Bassline: A music blog in which the author writes album reviews, mostly rock albums, as well as covers music news he finds interesting. Some recent bands he’s reviewed are The Architects, A Day to Remember, and Kids Icarus (WHAT A BAND NAME!). I’ve never heard of any of those. I clearly need to listen to less country music and more rock so that I can have meaningful music conversations that don’t have me saying at any point “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.”

That Guy from Pitt-Greensburg: C.J. is the quintessential college guy who writes about life on the Pitt-Greensburg campus. I particularly liked his recent rant about why an event he played in was called “Old Skool Kickball” in which he questions the spelling of school and what the hell the difference is between old school and new school kickball.  You gotta read his “bottom line” on that post. Hilarious.

Finally!

Reality is the Twilight Zone: I think I have seen one part of one Twilight Zone episode way back when I was a preteen and it freaked me out so badly I never watched another. Like, it messed with my brain. In this blog, the author is going episode by episode of the Twilight Zone, her favorite show, and tells you the plot, the actors, the twist, and more. She includes screenshots from that episode and then relates that episode for present day things via a “Spin.” For instance, Episode 16 of Season 1 is about a hitchhiker and she then shares some news stories with you about “THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T STOP FOR HITCHHIKERS!”

Check the blogs out! You might find yourself adding a few of them to your Google Reader. I know I did.

And now, a poem for the web writing class at Pitt Greensburg:

I speak. [bongo beat] Shhh. You listened. [snap] I like to pretend I know what the hell I’m talking about. [snap snap] I don’t. [cigarette drag] But let’s pretend I do. [bongo beat] Little Apple Dolls are some freaky shit. [bongo beats] [throws beret into the crowd]

[takes a bow]

I wasn’t aware, but Punxsutawney Phil rode in the Pittsburgh St. Patrick’s day parade, and I’m told that he is not in fact dead in this picture, and was roused by his handler who knocked on the glass when parade-goers were all, “OMG. HE DIED!”

Three thoughts:

1. Is that how groundhogs sleep? Because that is some creepy ass shit.

2. Do you think he’s playing dead because he didn’t want to be booed for his blown early spring prediction this year?

3. Somewhere, a possum is looking at this all, “Dude be stealing my schtick. [awkward possum kung fu moves].”

(photo from Mr. Jonathan DeBor and sent by reader Alexis)

ABC.com has a video of Hines and his partner practicing for Dancing With the Stars, and Hines doesn’t look too shabby at all.

Check it out here!

Work it.

1. Another paper placed in the “Why I Love Spam Comments” File is this comment caught in my spam queue:

I just now wanted to inform you about how much I appreciate all you’ve contributed to help increase the value of the lives of men and women in this subject matter. Through your own articles, I’ve gone out of just a newcomer to an expert in the area. It is truly a homage to your efforts. Thanks.

The post that comment was submitted to? “STEELERS TICKETS, BITCHES.”

It’s like they’re not even trying.

2. We watch Galavision news in the morning via Primero Noticias. Gives my husband a chance to catch up on the news in Mexico and gives me a chance to realize how little Spanish I understand when they talk so damn fast. Today, they featured a snippet of a news interview with President Obama and BAM! There is KDKA’s Jon Delano’s face on the Mexican news.

Notice they blurred out the KDKA logo. Thievery!

3. Who knows what’s going to happen with the Buccos of Suckitude this year, but this is a nice thing to hear from Clint Hurdle.

“How long will it take? That’s the one thing I’m not going to get caught up in. The people who judge the job I do, I can’t control that. But what I can push forward is the message, I can push forward practice, I can push forward the intent and the focus, and I believe my doing that will get the results.”

God, I so want this to be the freaking year.

4. The 96.1 Kiss Morning Freak Show Burgh Brackets are up and let me just remind you that two years ago, I won that shit.

This year, the matchups are just fantastic with Jeff Jimmerson taking on llamas. I’m calling it now that Brent Johnson’s Left Hook is taking it this year.

5. Tomorrow I’ll be at Pitt-Greensburg taking part in a writer’s festival panel and you’re asking yourself, “Doesn’t she usually turn those down?”

DO I EVER!

I said yes to this before I realized it wasn’t just me talking for twenty minutes to a classroom of web writing students.

Here are the details:

“The Art and Craft of New Media,” a panel presentation featuring Pitt-Greensburg bloggers and professional blogger Virginia Montanez (“That’s Church Blog” and “The Burgh Blog”), will begin at 4 p.m. in the Coffeehouse. Singer/songwriter Bill Deasy will offer a talk on songwriting, followed by a performance and book signing at 7 p.m.

6. The Knitting Lady sends me emails from time to time because she knows how much I appreciate the Sexhair.

Here’s a recent one she sent me.

She also sent me this one of Tyler Kennedy holding her knitting. Another player to add to her growing list of Pens who have taken pictures with her socks. LOVE IT.

7.  Creative Nonfiction mag is seeking Pittsburgh-based illustrators to submit artwork for the cover of the upcoming summer issue!

The artist chosen will work closely with CNF editorial and design staff to create 8 to 10 original designs to be featured on the cover and interior of the magazine.

Interested artists should email a resume and three low-resolution jpeg samples of their best work to information[at]creativenonfiction.org no later than March 31, 2011; a link to an electronic portfolio is also preferred.

It’s open to students and pros alike, so I’d love to see an AIP student submit their work and win.

8. Finally, I have a new Five Questions for … up at the Magazine’s site, these five for Jim Shearer. So you understand my process, I often ask my subjects (BOW DOWN, SUBJECTS!) way more than five questions and use some of the answers to write my intro material. Sometimes, choosing which five questions to feature is TOUGH WORK, especially when one of the Q and As that hit the cutting room floor this time was this one:

If someone you’ve just met and who has no idea who you are asks, “What do you do, Jim?” what’s your answer to that question?

If prodded, here’s the order: “I work in the media; production; television; I host the VH1 Top 20 Video Countdown; and, oh yeah, I also host two web-shows called: Yinz Luv ‘Da Guins and Yinz Luv ‘Da Stillers. Wait, what?  Have I met Lady Gaga? Yes.”

I’m far from a television star, but over the years whenever I tell people that I work in TV they get all excited. I have friends that are lawyers, and doctors, and teachers, and I feel that their respective jobs should elicit a similar, enthusiastic response; but they rarely do.

This may be filed under T.M.I., but one time when I was getting a testicular exam, a doctor asked what I did for a living?  I told him I worked as a host on TV.

With my testicles in his hands, he looked up at me and said, “Oh like Carson Daly, right?”

How freaking awesome is that?

Go have a read as he talks about his gig with VH1, why he started Yinz Luv, his Pirates exhibit at Wildcard and his dream jobs.