That's Church

And you thought I was crazy, but apparently free-range diaper-wearing toddlers is still a thing:

1. Let’s not have another comment war. Let’s just all agree that some parents need to do a better job of watching their kids.

2. Let’s not fight about pants versus no pants. I’m simply pointing out that once again, free-range toddler, diaper.

3. It’s only a matter of time before one of these stories doesn’t end with the parents in jail and the child in protection. Pretty soon it’s going to be the parents in jail and the child in a coffin.

4. I’d much rather ninjas versus taser-resistant drunks be a thing than THIS keep on being a thing.

(h/t @littlebirdiecom)

By reaching .500 ball last night on an Andrew McCutchen walk-off home run in the 12th inning (video here), the Pirates now have to go back six years to find the last time that happened this late in the season.

That’s not that long a time.

However — and please read that however like this: HOW.EVER!!!!!!!!!

This from MLB’s Jenifer Langosch:

If the Buccos win today, that’s the latest they’ve been OVER .500 ball since last century. Last millennium.

They win today; they’ve broken the curse. That’s how I’m looking at it, shut up thank you very much let me have this the bongo drums in my head are driving me so insane I’m considering puncturing my own ear drum. Today is important. We need everything we can to get this win.

We need prayer and fasting and juju and voodoo and balls on sticks and a double double toil and trouble brew of every gross thing you can find. If I may, start with cloacas.

We need to whip a million good Karma Boomerangs out there and pray that at least one of them returns to us with a Pirates win on its back.

We need to rub the Clemente Wall for luck and beseech the ghost of Robert Clemente, who once helped pull the Pirates out of years of humiliation.

Drape ourselves in the Jolly Roger. High-five the Pirate Parrot. Kick Steely McBeam in the nuts.

Any given year, a MLB team takes on the Pirates and they’re most likely all, “We’re playing the Pirates today. LOL. Let’s give ‘em a pity run.”

This year, it’s probably more, “We’re playing the Pirates today. So … yeah. Let’s do this.”

We get this win and it will be, “We’re playing the Pirates today. The magnitude of their suck has been greatly diminished. Play to win.”

That’s how I’m looking at it. Yeah, it’s not playoff ball. Yeah, we’re getting this excited about simply being COMPETITIVE. But there’s a line where the suck ends and the not sucking begins and I’m saying that line is going to be crossed tonight. One win.

My bandwagon is filled to the top with drunk and raucous wenches and yinzers who may soon be able to take the rose-colored glasses off to find that the world of Pirates baseball is suddenly rose-colored all by itself.

Get on while there’s still room. I promise not to drink and drive, but it’s a horse-drawn wagon, so really, the worst I could do is damage a mailbox. I’ll aim for Lukey’s.

Let’s go, Bucs!

P.S. Bonus video of McCutchen being creamed following yesterday’s win:

1. For six days now I have been hearing what sounds like bubbles popping in my left ear. Lately it sounds more like someone is inside my brain playing bongo drums. It keeps me up at night. I swear the other night I heard “Stayin’ Alive” in my head.

Using WebMD and good ole fashioned ye olde common sense, I diagnosed myself with one of three things: 1. flesh-rotting parasite 2. brain-eating amoeba 3. inoperable brain tumor.

The doctor today told me it’s actually water behind my ear drum and it is going to take three different prescriptions to hopefully dry the liquid up and stop the drumming.

I said, “THREE prescriptions?! Are you sure it’s not just the voices in my head have formed a bongo drum band?”

Which begs the question, if the voices in your head form a band, what’s a good name for it?

The Parasitic Amoeba Tumors just doesn’t roll off of the tongue that well.

2.  When Pittsburgh celebrities tweet each other:

(h/t @lisamh77, whose twitter background is all kinds of kickass)

3. I tweeted this earlier, but I wanted to be sure you all knew that your job today was probably a lot less hellfiery that this poor soul’s at the Waterfront Chik-Fil-A:

Also, I’m pretty sure that cow is supposed to be grilling steak.

How do you say cannibal in bovine?

4. Speaking of my self-united husband Joe Manganiello, there’s an interview with Steelers.com up over at the Steelers’ site. A few of my favorite parts.

When you hear the name Steelers, what does it make you think?

I think about hard hitting, smash-mouth football. But the bigger thing is I think about the city’s personality. The steel mills are no longer here, but the city still has that blue collar workman attitude.  It’s no frills. They don’t put up with a lot. That is why you see a lot of players that cause trouble or have character issues leave.

What current Steelers player would make a good Spiderman?

Once again I have to go with Troy Polamalu. Troy moves differently than the other players. My trainer is a semi-pro football player and he has adopted some exercises that were taken from Troy’s workout. It’s all one-legged on moving platforms, catching things while keeping your posture. It has to be Troy who would be a good Spiderman.

Troy could never get his hair up in that Spiderman costume, therefore, the correct answer, Joe, was Daniel Sepulveda.

What current Steelers player would make a good werewolf?

James Harrison. He would make a great werewolf. He looks at you and his eyes light up yellow. I wouldn’t be surprised if James was a werewolf.

(h/t Traci)

5. If you don’t yet appreciate the genius that was Frank Lloyd Wright, architect of Falling Water in Fayette County, and other way-ahead-of-their-time edifices, check out this post where on what would be his 144th birthday, HGTV takes a look at what the times were like when Wright was designing two of his most well-known works.

I was stunned.

6. Those whom we do not discuss until they are at or above .500 … you know … are one game away from .500 … you know.

I was never here.

7. Clint Hurdle, manager of those whom we do not discuss, had a Q&A with fans, and these made me love him more, if that’s possible:

jonpone: Last night was a great example of not quitting. How do you keep them going when they are losing in late innings?

Hurdle:: #1 – Good teams don’t quit. #2 – Quitting is not acceptable here. #3 – We owe it to our fan base to play a hard nine innings for 27 outs as long as it takes — whether it is 9,000 fans or 30,000 fans. There has to be a certain honor you feel when you put on our uniform that says “Pirates” on it. In the true spirit of being a Pirate, how could you ever quit?

Amen and that’s church.

jm_bucsfan: How much do you love Pittsburgh now that you’re here for real?

Hurdle:: My family and I are humbled by the way we’ve been embraced by the community. The city fits us like a good pair of jeans. We are a blue collar family with a strong work ethic and commitment to one another. We have a “dig it out of the dirt” mentality. We are everything this city stands for since I made my first trip here in 1981. There is a hard-nosed mentality here that’s noticeable, but everyone here is soft where it counts — in the heart. We love it.

“Hard-nosed mentality … but everyone here is soft where it counts — in the heart.”

The drums in my head are playing “Endless Love” now.

8. If you’re looking to score Steelers individual tickets, June 25, bay-bee.

I don’t normally call you “bay-bee” but right now I’m just doing what the bongo drums in my head are telling me to do. If I suddenly type [BEWBS!], you’ll know why.

9. Welcome back Billy Guerin!

10. [BEWBS!]

… coming soon to a theater near you!

Four Mercer County teenagers, some of them apparently Amish, are in Dutch with state police after they allegedly damaged a mailbox during a drunken Sunday night horse-drawn-cart ride.

According to a state police report, the four, ages 17 to 19, consumed alcohol and damaged property along Stockfarm Road in Lake. Police found the group when their cart became disabled along Hosack Road.

1. The next time someone asks me, “What is the most damage four drunk Amish teenagers could do with a horse-drawn-cart?” I will know with certainty that the answer is, “They could damage a mailbox.”

2. Do the Amish have traffic reports? “There’s a disabled horse-drawn cart along Hosack Road. Recommend you stay in and read your bible.”

3. When the police arrived, do you suppose the boys were so drunk they were laughing their butts off all, “OMG. I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE BOOKS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT! WHAT COMES AFTER HABAKKUK?!”

4. I would pay good money to see a movie about Amish teenagers getting into drunken mischief. Snakes in the butter churn! Loosening the nails at the barn raising! Cattle tipping! Getting all the pigs drunk! Hide the bibles! Cut all the balls of yarn in half! Paint all the horses pink! Leave a cell phone laying out in the open!

Call it Jackass: Amish.

(source)

Someday I’m going to grow up and not laugh when I read the phrase “pistol-whipped.”

Today is not that day.

But the victims inside the home were able to disarm the intruder, pistol-whipped him with his own gun and beat him up, Herrmann said.

That day will probably be the day I read, “Local blogger Virginia Montanez was pistol-whipped in Market Square today by a drunk PETA member who reportedly was screaming, ‘Pigeons have feelings too,’ while she delivered repeated and vicious blows during a Meat is Murder protest that Montanez mistakenly stumbled onto. Her alleged attacker apparently recognized Montanez from her blog in which she enjoys describing the various ways she tortures and kills pigeons for pleasure.

A crowd of naked protesters clad only in lettuce-leaf bikinis looked on, unaware that hundreds of pigeons had congregated hungrily around them. It should be noted that PETA is now aware that pigeons like lettuce too. The protestors were treated at local hospitals and released with minor to moderate cuts and abrasions on their breasts and buttocks. Montanez, bleeding profusely from the head, was seen laughing hysterically as she was loaded into an ambulance.”