That's Church

The Colts lost to the Saints by a score of 62-7. We beat the Colts in September by three points. Using math and ratios and pi and the square root of an oval, and other shit I am very smarty pants at, I have determined that if we played the Saints, we would lose by 94 points. THAT is why we need to fear the Patriots.

Sunday was my husband’s birthday during which we gifted him with a new pair of Puma sneakers and a Spanish Terrible Towel.

Don’t tell him, but tonight I absentmindedly dried some dishes with it. I’m pretty sure that means those plates are holy ground now.

Let’s talk football:

1. Poor Ken Whisenhunt, who I still love super hard by the way, was coming into the game with a 1-4 record and four straight losses and was doing everything in his power to help his team prior to the start of the game against his old team:

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the Pirates. I mean, have we TRIED an exorcism yet?I don’t think we have. I’ll round up the players and you round up ALL the priests. We’re gonna need ‘em.

2.  Everything seemed to be going wrong for Arizona prior to the game. Even their tailgating was a bit off:

I have seen a lot in my life, but I have never seen a woman turn a blender on with her bajingo.

Self-awareness. He needs some.

3. This win sits on The Duke of Fug and The Earl of Gross’s shoulders. Touchdown after touchdown and first down after first down, the Prince of Cocksure (isn’t that what I princed him as last time? He has too damn many thrones, I’m losing track. Also, I’m running out of titles. I might have to use Thane next.), proved why his name deserves to be uttered with the likes of Tom Brady [throws salt over shoulder and stabs a pigeon] and Peyton Manning.

4. This win can also be attributed to the Duke spreading the pass love around to everyone because all the wide receivers had big games, except for Hines Ward who was carted off the field after he broke his hip diving for a Werthers. LOL. Can I beat an elderly dead horse or WHAT?!

Remember when Mike Wallace was just that guy with the Hershey Kiss on his head and Antonio Brown was that dude no one knew who caught that ball to his helmet as he raced down the sideline last year?

A lot can change in a year because now Antonio Brown is the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger version of Mike Wallace’s Double Bacon Deluxe and Hines Ward’s can of Ensure. [kicks the dead horse]

5. Ben overthrew Mike Wallace twice that I saw yesterday, but I don’t think it was because Mike wasn’t running fast enough. I think Mike was intentionally not running as fast as he could so he wouldn’t accidentally outrun the ball. Because when he runs full speed, like he did to outrun the defenders to get the 95-yard touchdown? He was shedding matter.

And there’s pretty much only one thing you can do when you see that Ben has thrown long to Mike Wallace:

And God laughed.

6. One of my favorite parts of yesterday’s game was during the penalty-riddled first half when Ike Taylor had two consecutive dumbass penalties causing Mike Tomlin to forcefully poke his own head repeatedly with his pointer finger, doing the “USE YOUR BRAIN” gesture so hard on his noggin he could get reimbursed for hail damage. Bravo, coach.

7. Lamarr Woodley calls himself the Pharoah and that is pretentious, but after his monster game yesterday, I have no problem with it.

I bow down to the Pharoah.

I don’t know how it came to pass that Lamarr Woodley was completely uncovered in an endzone pass situation, but I’d like to buy their offensive coordinator a steak.

8. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to play the sad trombone for this guy:

Wah-wah-wahhhhhhh.

The amount of black and gold in that stadium was equal parts stunning and hilarious.

9. Mendenhall is broken again. Did we get a warranty on that guy?

10. It was nice to watch a game where we didn’t fall apart in the second half, where by the middle of the fourth, the players weren’t desperate on the sidelines and could instead just relax and help a coach with Words with Friends:

If I had the space in the picture, Ben would be thinking, “Or he could use the T and spell turkey. See T-E-R-K-Y.”

11. This game was fun. This game really makes the football world pay attention to Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown. This game is just what we needed to lead us into next week when we play the Patriots.

[crosses self, stabs the Tom Brady voodoo doll in the nuts and burns it in effigy, throws a dart at the Belichick picture hanging on the wall, tosses an extra scrotum of monkey into the hex brew, vomits into a man-Ugg, Googles "juju curses"--]

HEY! Why am I doing all the work here?! Get busy!

National Geographic Traveler’s latest edition features Best Trips 2012 and in addition to Peru, and Panama, and Greece, Iceland, Thailand, Dresden, Sri Lanka, Guatemala, Oman, Costa Brava, Croatia and other exotic places there sits Pittsburgh.

Yes. Pittsburgh! Suck it, World.

Or Peetsboirg, as my awesome Mexican in-laws pronounce it. My God, I oughta start a Tumblr where I get all my Mexican peeps to pronounce words. VIRAL.

On all counts, the Steel City’s transformation over the past quarter century qualifies as revolutionary. Its mourning for its industrial past long concluded, this western Pennsylvania city changed jobs and reclaimed its major assets: a natural setting that rivals Lisbon and San Francisco, a wealth of fine art and architecture, and a quirky sense of humor.

THEY GET IT! They get US. They get that we’re not the same as everyone else. That we find humor in life where other cities might not see it, and that our sense of humor, as a collective we, is not always mainstream. We might chuckle at why the chicken crossed the road, but we will belly-up laugh at why the jagoff did it [something something slippy]. We chuckle at the dinosaurs scattered all over the city; we can joke about our baseball team; we have a shirt for EVERYTHING; our Cultural District has giant chairs shaped like eyeballs, our mayor drinks from a juice box (hee), there’s a giant-boobed truck driving around town, and a central mural in our downtown area is Andrew Carnegie and Andy Warhol gettin’ their hairs did.

We’ve grown up into blue-collared, paint-splattered, pocket-protector-ed white shirts and that’s what makes us quirky. We’re technology and art and medicine and academia with a crunchy steel middle. We’re a rainbow of fruit flavors and one of those is Steely McBeam. People are finally seeing the good in that.

Group hug!

What They’re Really Thinking will be up later today. For now, Crazy Scary photo wrap-up! All photos, unless otherwise indicated, taken by and provided by the supremely talented Emily Palmer!

1. Scott Harbaugh and Cara Sapida from WPXI, and the freak from Jeepers Creepers.

Pretty sure Scott is trying to soul-suck that thing with his eyes. Or he’s currently getting his soul sucked out. RUN, SCOTT!

The Black Eyed Peas!

The girl on the right is now missing fistfuls of hair thanks to me grabbing it in fright during the haunt.

One of these things is not like the other …

One of these things just doesn’t belong.

Cathy realizes she’s holding a Huggabunch and she’s not happy because she HATES Huggabunches because she thinks they’re evil.

I didn’t agree with her until I saw this picture:

There’s definitely some soul-sucking devilism in those eyes.

Scott Harbaugh has to eat gross fishy crap:

It may have been actual fish crap. Who knows?

Rob Johnston explains to the crowd that Michelle and I are going to put a sticker on that fake zombie forehead:

Instead, they were jerks and this happened:

(From Gina’s twitter @scarletfire)

Inside, I’m still screaming JEEPERS MOTHEREFFING CREEPERS.

Here’s me eating Japanese poop:

That image is entitled japanesepoop.jpg so I’m going to know the second some weirdo lands on my blog by image-searching for “Japanese poop.” I guess I should have entitled it SUPER FUN SEXY JAPANESE POOP TIME.

Here’s Michelle getting hugged by a zombie which is hilarious because Michelle hates hugs as much as I hate Japanese poop:

You can mouse over that picture to see what I named it. I’M CATCHING ALL THE INTERNET WEIRDOS NOW.

All told, from your donations, tickets sold, and the generosity of the folks at the Scarehouse throwing in additional dollars, we raised $6,000 from Crazy Scary! That’s $3,000 going to Christmas Crazy and $3,000 in the Make Room for Kids pot over at the Mario Lemieux Foundation!

That is a huge success for Pittsburgh’s kids. It’s a fun event and I hope you’ll join us next year. We’re either calling it Crazy Scary 3.0 Tres de Trois the Third or Crazy Scary: SUPER FUN SEXY JAPANESE POOP TIME!

Decisions. Decisions. What’s your vote?

I believe in Bigfoot about as much as a skeptic like me believes in UFOs or the Loch Ness Monster. I think at this point, if they were real we’d have found them by now.

That said, I try not to make fun of people who dedicate their lives to hunting UFOs and Bigfoot with the same amount of equipment that storm chasers use to hunt down a tornado. And I’m going to write this post with that in mind. Not so much a “point and laugh” but a “SHUT. UP!” point of view.

The Pittsburgh UFO Bigfoot Conference is meeting in Westmoreland County and that sent me on a Google hunt and I got lost down the Internet rabbit hole and barely made it out alive.

1. This conference is a joint conference between the MUFON group and the Pennsylvania Bigfoot Society. It is two days of lectures at WCCC in Youngwood.

2. Sessions include: UFO Witness Theater, Bigfoot in PA, Roswell and MJ12, 2012, Mysterious Creatures of PA (Steely McBeam better make an appearance), and my personal favorite, UFOs and the Bible. Did I miss that part of the Bible where Noah was all, “Behold, bright spinny lights doth appear above the ark! Pleadeth now to the Lord thou are not sucked away to the planet Vortex.”

3. A majority of the speakers look like deacons in your church from 1989. TRUE STORY.

4. My personal favorite is The Squatch Detective!

That guy means BIZNASS!

He has a Hall of Shame on his site where he shames Bigfoot scams in great detail. It is fascinating. This is my favorite shame page because it has videos of Bigfoot and even this INCREDIBLE close up shot of the creature that the detective goes on to debunk.

Bigfoot sees you.

I hope when the Squatch Detective is in the woods investigating “wood stacks” (apparently, Bigfoot stacks wood. [shrug] Maybe he’s building a giant Jenga?) or an enormous footprint, that he goes all Horatio Caine up in there. “This is one foot [sunglasses] I wouldn’t want in my mouth.”

YEAHHHHHH!

P.S. All of these guys would be taken much more seriously by the world if their websites didn’t make you want to punch Geocities in the face.

The Pittsburgh Penguins have one of two players tied for first place in the entire league for goals scored so far this season, and it’s not Sidney Crosby, obviously, or Geno (go see him dance the Elaine at a wedding in Russia), or Sexhair (who got a timeout on the naughty chair) [pause a brief second for all the ladies to imagine their own timeout on the naughty chair with Sexhair], or any other player you’d think would be sitting up there.

It’s James Neal, who has a touch of Orpik Crazy Eyes:

Right now, James is on fire and all of Pens Nation, if there is such a thing and my God, let’s hope they never go to war with Steeler Nation, are agog over James with men and women wanting to drink beer with him, and awesome (and kinda pee-your-pants funny at the music selection) video tributes like this being created for him.

And a single tear rolls down my face.

I bet whoever made this video has Blingeed the shit out of James.

P.S. Bonus: A tribute to Sexhair, set to David Cook’s Avalanche. My God, I love the Internet.

P.P.S. I’m going to make a tribute video to Lukey and I’m going to set it to Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. Viral shit, yes?

P.P.P.S. While we’re hanging out here on YouTube, first, imagine in your head what it looked like last week when I attempted the monkey bars at the park. I grabbed the first bar with both hands. I hung like a dead pig at the slaughter house. I looked at the next bar. I thought about reaching for the next bar while my body swayed slightly, my arms begin to shake, and the kid behind me was all, “Lady, do you need a shove?” I let go with one hand to reach for the next bar and then GRAVITY DID HER THANG. Now go watch Sexhair do the monkey bars.

I feel inferior somehow.