That's Church

Tom “Bane” Hardy. Spotted rocking BelieveMerch’s Steel Knight shirt.

That warms my Burgh-loving heart.

1. Oh! And, and, AND! I forgot to tell you this. Last night I had Scarehouse nightmares and at one point I was walking through the Scarehouse alone and there was suddenly this horrible loud noise and I woke up PUNCHING THE AIR.

My husband looked at me like I had lost my mind. I asked him to say Vapor Rub for me.

I may never sleep again.

2. You’ve probably seen this already, but for those of you who haven’t, the new Head n’ Shoulders commercial featuring not only Troysus, but Brett and Hines as well!

I want my hair to wave around like that.

And here’s Hines teaching Troysus and Brett how to dance, because WE WILL NEVER BE FREE FROM DANCING WITH THE STARS.

3. Someone on twitter (@secretninjamom) tweeted to Scott Harbaugh that she was pretty sure it was snowing in Oakland, to which he said at 44 degrees, that’s not likely. She then said that it was clear and had a shape and if that’s not snow, what is it.

Guess what? IT HAS A NAME:

Are you kidding me? It’s not enough that we have snow, sleet, hail, and freezing fog, which I’m still pretty sure is a totally made up thing, but now we have a totally real thing that sounds like a made up thing. GRAUPEL. It sounds like the cousin of the R.O.U.S. The Graupel. EEK!

All I know is that it is October 20. The precipitation should not even be SLIGHTLY frozen.

4. Target Office Products is donating a pencil and sketchbook to The Education Partnership, the storehouse where teachers can shop for free, for every single person that likes the Education Partnership page on Facebook. One easy click to help Pittsburgh’s teachers and students out!

5. Chevrolet is on the road and the road starts in Bridgeville. Very cool.

6. William Dietrich is a retired steel executive who died recently and just prior to his death and now following his death at 73 on October 3, he is unloading a massive amount of wealth onto Pittsburgh’s charities:

• Pitt: $125 million
• CMU: $265 million
• Pittsburgh Foundation: $18.1 million
• Duquesne University: $12.5 million
• Chatham University: $5 million
• Cultural Trust: $5 million
• Carnegie Museums: $5 million
• Boy Scouts: $5 million

All told? $440.6 million donated so far.

I can’t even. Wow.

7. Yesterday I told you that you probably shouldn’t tell the local news crew that you left your son in a Taco Bell parking lot and told him to go find a new family. Today, I’d like to tell you that you probably shouldn’t tell a news crew that you couldn’t have committed the crime you are being arrested for because you were “back at the crib, chillin’, smoking some weed.” What the hell is wrong with people?

Also, Ari Hait. Still a peanut. Love that guy.

8. Actual news headlines about the animal carnage in Ohio:

• “Zanesville 911 calls: “Just heard a lion roar in the woods”
• “It’s like Noah’s Ark wrecking right here in Ohio”
• “Lone monkey with Hepatitis on the loose”
• “Zanesville animal escape: Which one is most terrifying?”
• “Ohio town under siege as animals take control” (not making that up)
• “Buckeye State is longtime leader in breakaway beasts”
• “Too much monkey business”
• “The ultimate *#&$ you?” (God bless Australia)
• “Stay out of the woods in Eastern Ohio”
• “Hide yo kids!!”
• “Lions, Tigers, and Bears, OHIO!” (srsly)
• “Things are getting biblical in Ohio”

Jumanji indeed.

9. I’m already nervous about the Patriots and we don’t even play them for another week. I’m lathering up all my hate and I plan to unleash it with epicness on my Tom Brady voodoo doll. BALLS ON A STICK, PEOPLE.

(Mindy Heisler’s Horror Cupcakes)

There are two movies that truly freaked me out, wait, no, three.

Three movies that have truly freaked me out and affected my behavior.

1. Signs. You recall that for two months I couldn’t look into the screen of a turned-off TV because I knew I would see the creature in there.

2. The Blair Witch Project: I sometimes go into my basement and think, “What will you do if you see someone down here standing with their face to the wall?”

3. Jeepers Creepers: Shit. That movie. To this day, sometimes when I’m driving a dark road at night, or a see a cornfield, I freak myself out enough that the monster is running alongside my car sizing up my delicious eyeballs.

So you understand why this thing freaked me out last night at Crazy Scary:

(all photos courtesy of Michelle/Burgh Baby)

The murderous bunny is a ray of golden sunshine compared to this thing. This zombie followed me around moaning my name and begging me for a hug and yes, I know it’s fake, but that doesn’t help when you’re standing around chatting with folks and suddenly there’s something breathing on your neck and you turn around and JEEPERS MOTHEREFFING CREEPERS!

I won’t even tell you how it came to pass that I ended up rubbing my hands all over his face. [shudder]

Crazy Scary was a great success!

Highlights:

1. Scott Harbaugh and Tall Cathy had to be blindfolded and guess what was in a box after feeling it for a minute. Tall Cathy said, “I know what is in the box” in the same tone of voice one would say, “I DON’T WANT TO DIEEEEE!” It was a Huggabunch.  A naked Huggabunch with dead eyes, which is apparently Tall Cathy’s worst nightmare. She guessed right. Scott Harbaugh loses and has to eat some disgusting fishy smelling thing with little mealworms or tiny dead fish in it. VOMIT.

2. I went through the Scarehouse and I only screamed 3,490 times. So, progress! A reader I had never met before was in front of me and I almost pulled all of her hair out in fright. Pro tip: Don’t be the last in your group. You will be followed by screaming, moaning things. Also, I should have taken their picture, but the two readers who were in my group had painted on black eyes and t-shirts with a giant P on the front. THE BLACK-EYED PEAS!!!!!  Brizzilliant. Worth the excessive exclamatory punctuation. It’s no slutty turtle, but still good.

3. Michelle tried to make me speak into the microphone, but I can’t do public speaking on account of my inner ear thing, so Scott Harbaugh stepped in and did a wonderful job greeting the crowd. He also mentioned something about snow next week. Dear God he better have been kidding. I will punch a salt truck.

4. Here’s me and Michelle standing in front of ourselves on the Primanti’s Wall:

See that foot? That is a dead or dying guy or zombie laying gutted on the Primanti’s counter with his intestines hanging out. He kicked me in the boob as soon as that picture was taken. True story. Asshole.

5. I need a haircut. Gotta call my girl.

6. My purple sweater? $14 at Marshalls. [throws pennies and makes it rain in here]

7. Here’s Mikey and Big Bob and Cathy:

Bob’s ears > Casey Hampton’s bellybutton.

8. Michelle and I had 30 seconds to raise as much cash as possible from the room and whoever lost had to eat something awful. I had 28 dollars and I thought for sure I was going to win and I seriously planned to scream BOOYAH in her smug face.

She had $73.

PEOPLE WANT TO SEE ME SUFFER.

I ate some weird brown “candy” that looked like chunks of poop and since I’ve once accidentally tasted my baby’s poop (don’t ask), I can tell you it ALSO TASTED LIKE POOP. Awful taste that I couldn’t get out of my mouth no matter how much beer I drank. I was told afterwards that it is a candy from Japan. WTF is wrong with Japan? God. Call it “SUPER HAPPY CANDY SEXY FUN TIME” and they’ll eat anything.

9. I have to thank Margee Kerr, Scott Simmons, Barb Simmons and Dad Simmons of the Scarehouse for their amazing generosity and wonderful planning of last night’s event. And Laura Kelly for doing what she does: everything, awesome. And Scott and Tall Cathy and Rob Johnston for their good humor and help. And Mindy for baking and everyone who donated items for raffle and to Clique Vodka and Spaghetti Warehouse. And to every single one of you who came and donated. I will let you know soon how much we raised for the kids!

GROUP HUG! Except for you Jeepers Creepers Zombie. Back away from my eyeballs.

P.S. Before you comment about what a big baby I am to be scared by movies, who among you hasn’t at least once in your adult life pulled your hand in from hanging over the bed at night on account of, you know, the sharks?

Let’s have some Parenting 101 here as I’m about to drop some knowledge up in this piece [throws signs]:

1. If your seven-year-old misbehaves at school, taking him to a parking lot of a Taco Bell and leaving him standing there crying and screaming while you drive away after telling him he can “go find another family,” will probably only result in police charges, a still misbehaving son with all new and improved separation anxiety and abandonment issues.

2. If you choose to leave your seven-year-old son screaming in a Taco Bell parking lot while you drive away after telling him to go find another family because you’re trying to teach him a lesson, whatever you do, DO NOT SPEAK TO THE LOCAL MEDIA ABOUT IT because we the people will write about you in our blogs and even chuckle a little bit that you thought it was okay to calmly tell a television reporter that you told YOUR SON TO GO FIND ANOTHER FAMILY in the same tone of voice that you would tell a reporter about a nice way to make applesauce.

3. If you choose to speak to reporters after admitting you left your child in a Taco Bell parking lot to teach him a lesson, do not then lie your face off and say the kid was laughing because there is not a seven-year-old on the planet who finds this funny. This weekend at the Science Center, a ten-year-oldish girl came into the gift shop where I was, screaming and crying her head off all, “MOMMY!” I had never seen anything like it. She was frantic. Running as fast as she could with tears streaming down her face, through the store and back out, screaming MOMMY!?!? until I managed to stop her and calm her for a second before an employee took her away to find her mother. KIDS ARE TERRIFIED OF BEING ABANDONED. They do not know, in any way, shape, or form, that you will never leave them, no matter what you say or how often you reassure them. They always fear the abandonment. Actually allowing a child to realize that fear is just begging for emotional issues.

4. Chalupas are delicious.

5. Ari Hait is a peanut.

6. This lady did wrong.

Knowledge. Dropped.

1. This is an actual page from my little niece’s Christmas book. It is the first page, to be exact:

Hee. I’m twelve.

2. This is really cool. Penny Postcards from 1917 that show what your town looked like then! Search by state, then county, and then pick a town near you.

Here’s Fifth Avenue:

It’s so sad, but I can’t read that handwriting because IT IS TOO NEAT.

I can’t decode that shit.

(h/t my Dad)

3. Boo and Brew is a fun event of North Shore bar-hopping in costume and it all benefits the Make-A-Wish Foundation!

If you go as a slutty turtle, I will disown you.

4. Next week, I’ll be giving away two tickets to this Steelers autograph session that features Mike Wallace and an open bar and Mike Wallace and some other Steelers and appetizers and Mike Wallace. $250 value! And it all benefits CASA, a great organization.

5. Here’s a video in which Daniel Sepulveda is heavily featured starting at 4:20. We learn that Daniel wears glasses. Daniel has amazing arm muscles that beg to be circled and smiley faced in MS Paint. Daniel was a cute kid. Daniel loves Jesus. And at 9:40, Daniel reveals his hidden talent:

He can juggle. He’s just rubbing it in now. Juggling is impossible when you have an inner ear thing.

(h/t Rachel)

6. This has made my day. My heart is happy. I want to hug things. The Princess Bride cast reunion photo!

I spy an R.O.U.S. too!

I’m going to say something that is going to offend some of you: The Princess Bride is my Star Wars.

[ducks]

Buttah-cup!

[ducks again]

Have fun stormin’ the castle!

[throws iocane powder at the Star Wars fanatics]

(h/t Susan)

7. Criminals are criminals because they are stupid.

Police have charged two men they said used stolen firefighter radios to plan the theft of fresh batteries from a Logan Township fire station.

Blair County 911 alerted Logan Township police just before 2 a.m. Oct. 5 that two radios stolen earlier from the Martinsburg Volunteer Fire Department went live at just before 11 p.m., and at about 1:30 a.m., dispatchers listened as two men discussed driving to the Newburg Volunteer Fire Department to recharge the batteries, police said.

On the bright side, their butts didn’t dial 911 on them.

(h/t Sue)

8. What? These shoes?

Oh, nothing. Just painted by a HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR!

You must go check out the other Burghy shoes painted by Chartiers Valley HS Senior Alexa Vercammen.

She is seriously talented and now I hate all my shoes.