That's Church

If you haven’t seen it yet, the ESPN Terrible Towel commercial, the one for which ESPN requested images and video of the Towel in places all over the world, is on YouTube and it is so full of … what’s better than awesomeness? Have we invented that word yet? And not epicness because that’s been watered down too.

Astoundtacularness? Miraculadazzlingness? Stupendous?

That works.

Some stupendous things to watch for on your second go-through:

Hines Ward at :14 (and then he took his Metamucil).

Wiz and DJ Bonics at :17. Someday I’m going to meet Wiz and pull his pants up. Call it a DE-pantsing.

Lady in a freaking shark cage at :22. She wins.

Space at :25. HE WINS.

Space, mothereffers. SPACE. Try and beat that. Your only hope is to get video of Myron Cope twirling the Towel in heaven.

Then you win the Internet.

(h/t My Dad)

I’m spending this late morning and early afternoon downtown with some other bloggers who are mothers [MOMMY BLOGGER HORROR SCREAM] where Chevy is taking us around in one of their new cars to local bakeries to stuff our faces with pastries. No, they’re not paying me. I’m just doing it for free sugar, bay-bee!

Until I put up a longer post later, here’s a new video from Pittsburgh’s-own Mace Ballard’s new album Next Time You See the Sky, and I love it. You remember I wrote about them before, right?

Music videos today more often than not DON’T tell a story. It’s just images. Images. Images. This video for their single “Time Machines Exist” is a must watch because it tells a story and it is awesome and adorable and we should be Pittsburgh Proud it came from here. Although turn down the volume a bit on your speakers because you’re about to be hit with some rock.

Also, full disclosure: Mace Ballard put me in the liner notes for this album and therefore I have officially made it and I plan to be a royal egomaniacal pain in the conceited ass, cankles and all, for about ten seconds.

HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE. DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME; IT BURNS. CAN SOMEONE GET TOM CRUISE ON THE PHONE? WHERE ARE THE WHITE ROSES I REQUESTED ALONG WITH THE BOWL OF ONLY BLUE M&Ms AND ORANGE REESE’S PIECES?! WHERE IS MY UMBRELLA CARRIER DAMN IT?! I AM GETTING WEATHERED ON!

Don’t worry. I’m naming myself the next Annoying Burgher and I’m going to go slap myself with a cupcake. That’s not a euphemism.

What?

If you haven’t read this post about Hittsburgh and the ensuing 176 hilarious comments, many from people defending Hittsburgh, then you are going to be a lost puppy. Go read it first.

__________________

This is the first game of the season where my family was able to get together to watch the game at my parents’ house while binge eating a true “bring what the hell you want” buffet. That meant buffalo chicken dip, honey chicken (mine), sausage and peppers, sloppy joes, and pierogies.

Indigestion. We ALL haz it.

A fun little halftime conversation happened when my husband asked my dad for the house’s WiFi password, and while I won’t tell you what it is in case you’re his elderly neighbor hell bent on scoring some free WiFi, I can assure you it is one of those passwords that you should NEVER EVER use.

Husband: “Dad, what’s the password?”

Dad: [tells the password]

Family: [snickers]

Muchacho: “That is awful. You need to change that.”

Pens Fan: “He’ll just change it to something even easier, like ‘home.’”

Me: “Or ‘Password.’”

Princess Aurora of Wexhampsminstershire: “Whatever, Muchacho. At least it’s better than your ridiculous house password.”

Me: “Oh, my God. It has like 25 characters.”

Princess Aurora: “–x y 2 1 capital-Y u w 1 4 x 2 b c 2 c l q–”

Prince of Wexhampsminstershire: “– ampersand ampersand–”

Princess: “tilde tilde schwa–”

I don’t need to tell you, do I, that Tilde Schwa would make a kickass band name?

Let’s talk football, and yes, captions are taken directly or almost directly from comments to the Hittsburgh post. Because I’m an evil bitch.

1. This game was a must win because 1. It’s the Bengals [ptooie] and 2. we are in a fight with the Ravens [ptooie] and the Bengals [ptooie] for first place in our division and 3. [ptooie].

Prior to the game, Marvin Lewis was feeling very confident, not caring in the least about the trash talk coming from Steelers fans:

2. But that was short lived because after a quick three and out by the Bengals, the Steelers were on the board with a pass to Cotchery, much to Marvin’s dismay:

3. Then on our next possession, Mendenhall runs in a touchdown, Steelers are up 14-0 and the Bengals look like the Bungles of old and boy, they were legit not happy:

4. We interrupt this WTRT to say, Dear Wide Receivers of the NFL. CAN WE PLEASE CUT THIS OUT?!

Ugh. Grrrrr. It is an epidemic and it’s starting to look ridiculous.

5. Everyone on twitter was all, “Bengals WHO?! These are still the Bungles LOLBBQ!”

Which is was the kiss of death because before you know it, Troysus is in the end zone playing dodgeball and the Bengals score.

Can we talk about that play? WTF was Troysus doing? I’m serious. Go watch it. That is not a man thinking to stop the ball; that is a man thinking the ball has cooties.

But then a few minutes later, he killed a guy and stuff, so I forgave him.

6. Hines Ward had one catch for ten yards and then I think he accidentally pressed his Life Alert necklace because they didn’t let him back in the game again and then he cried over spilled Ensure.

[kicks the geriatric horse that choked to death on a Werthers in the Depends]

7. The offensive line let Benny get sacked five times. Benny wasn’t happy.

Meanwhile, that ginger kid Dalton wasn’t sacked a single time. Tsk. That’s not Steelers football.

8. We interrupt this WTRT to ask Casey Hampton what he thinks about Hittsburgh:

(h/t to @lovesnorthside on Twitter who gave me this idea.)

9. I expect a fine for that helmet to helmet hit on Heath Miller. I heard the birds he heard and I saw the stars he saw.

It’s  a miracle he actually held on to the ball and stood up on his own rather than asking drunkenly, “Is this Monday or Purple?”

10. With the game at 17-17, my whole family felt a little pukey and I think that can only be 30% attributed to the strange concoction of Pierogie Sloppy Joe Honey Buffalo Sausage Cherry Pie we had roiling in our bellies.

We were up 14-0 and now here we are, all tied up.

That really is the grossest.

10. But a Mendy touchdown puts us back on top and we’re breathing again.

And later, what’s this? Something unseen of before. Something strange. Foreign. ET PHONE HOME. It is an interception by Timmons and we are all freaking out and Mike Tomlin is too!

And he WOULD see more because you remember William Gay [ptooie!]? We’ll get to that.

11. Is calling someone a ginger an insult? That ginger kid quarterback tried hard to rally his team as they were down by one touchdown in the fourth quarter, going so far as to try throwing cruel insults at our defensive line:

Way harsh, Tai.

12. We interrupt this WTRT to ask, is this the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?

13. So anyway, fourth quarter and it’s looking like the Bengals are marching to a touchdown to tie this shit up and you remember William Gay again, right?  Who if I had written last week’s WTRT would have been absolutely destroyed with frowny faces and Xs over his stupid face and his stupid hair and his stupid inability to play defense in any fashion worthy of the NFL or even my kid’s flag football team?

BOOM goes the interception from Gay and suddenly all is forgiven!

My family is cheering and burping weird buffalo sausage sloppy joe honey cherry burps!

Everyone asks for Tums and a juice cleanse!

Benny offers kind words to that ginger kid!

That she does, Benny. That she does.

We’re atop the AFC North now, but we’ve got the Ravens [ptooie] and Bengals [ptooie] breathing down our necks.

We won’t talk about the Browns, who like the Blackberry, insist on still being a thing.

Next week, BYE WEEK!

Thank God. It might take me two weeks to recover from the pierogie honey sausage cherry buffalo pepper sloppy poops.

Also, it will give me time to have the fat sucked out of my cankles.

I love the Furries.

There are furries on Twitter and non-furries on Twitter who hate me because they think I hate the Furries because I like to point out the ludicrousness that SOME of the furry population engages in, whether it be a particularly awful fursuit or questionable litter box behavior.

It’s sort of like how I make fun of SOME Steelers (Skippy Skeeve, Santonio Holmes, The Duke of Fug) but I love the Steelers as a whole.

That said, I’m about to get some more people hating me because I just discovered that local comedian Gab Bonesso, who used to hate me with sunfire but now I think we’re cool and maybe she only hates me with candlefire, pissed off some furries after she performed for a group of them last year. How much did she piss them off? She has dedicated a blog to the hate mail she has received from furries and well, I had to share with you!

Some awesome snippets from the hate mail she’s received:

We wear the animal costume or “our true skin” to feel natural. The way GOD intended us to be. He told Eve not to talk to the Serpent, but she did anyway. You know why? 

talking to animals is truth.

God knew it.

See, you and all the other “haters” will find out on Judgement Day.

The serpent was/is GOD.

We are animals.

Talking to animals is truth? Then Dr. Doolittle must be Jesus.

Haha, even furries dislike you, that should tell you something.

You probably don’t even know what it’s like to have sex with a tail?

Your a joke.

Too bad you can’t tell them.
Looser!

And this one is pretty awesome:

furries can connect with who they truly are, the animal inside. if youre hating them, youre hating their fursona, youre hurting the feelings of their inner self! and youre hurting your own fursona! stop neglecting him, let him free, embrace him, keep him company, and he will do the same in return! you are your fursona, and he is you, youre only hurting yourself by hating and abusing the most selfless and loving people who are furries, they are true humans. true representations of what everyone is inside.

There’s a hate word used early on in that particular letter that I didn’t use here because it just sounds so awful: skinf**.

I support Gab’s blog because if I received awesome hatemail like this, I’d blast it to the world for enjoyment too.

This seems like a good time to bust out, once again, the Anthrocon clip from the Pittsburgh-based comedy “Back to You.”

Nailed it!

No this isn’t a post about Hittsburgh.

Oh, sah-nap!

Chill out. I am just kidding, Hittsburgh. Think of all these name mentions as free publicity. I ought to charge you ten cents for every time I type Hittsburgh. ($.30)

A Pittsburgh strip club that burnt down was denied permission to rebuild on account of I guess the strip club never really existed … or something. The news item confused me.

But this LOLzd me:

Smithbower has argued that he has a legal right to rebuilt and reopen the club known as Butta Bing.

Butta Bing!

Butta Bing!

I love it. It’s got the word Butt right in there. This is in contrast to other strip clubs that are much more vague with their names:

Cheerleaders. Could be a sports bar.

Blush. Could be wine bar.

Cricket Lounge: Could be a pub.

Beemers. Could be a bar where BMW owners hang out.

But Butta Bing? In your face, here’s a butt.

Screw the vauge names. I say strip clubs should have obvious names like Va-jay-YAY! or BEWBS or Bajingo Was Her Name Oh or Thongalicious or Hittsburgh! ($.40)

P.S. Please don’t start commenting in defense of Hittsburgh ($.50! I’ll send you a bill). I am just TEASING.

P.P.S. Have fun explaining the BEWBS charge on your credit card to your wife.