I am so ready for this weekend. I swear I work harder and longer at being a writer/blogger/mom/restaurant owner/ninja than I ever did as a 9 to 5 office bee.

Before we head into what should be a sunny, unseasonably warm weekend (suck it, Phil), there’s still a few things to share with you!

1. Fat, poor and angry. WINNERS.

Pittsburgh has made realage.com’s list of Top Cities for Aging Too Fast, coming it at number 12.

Once a booming steel town, Pittsburgh may be less than optimistic about its new identity in a down economy. Pittsburg citizens are stressed out, smoking, and even angry. Good thing they have a high rate of health insurance coverage. They might turn their health around by passing on the Pittsburgh Salad (steak salad topped with French fries) — quite possibly the culprit for the city’s high rate of diabetes.

“Less optimistic about its new identity in a down economy?!” Have they not read all the news reports about how Pittsburgh is one of the few cities in America thriving in this economy?

And if anything is to blame for our high level of diabetes, it’s not a high protein steak salad with a handful of french fries on it. It’s our obsession with Ho-Hos.

And if we’re angry, maybe it’s because YOU SPELLED OUR NAME WRONG, ASSHOLES.

(h/t my Dad who went ballistic over this study and I’m not going to be the one to point out the irony of his anger at a study that shows Pittsburghers are angry. You do it.)

2.Obsessed with the Mellons

I have a new post up at Pittsburgh Magazine, this one about how I have just learned about the old R.B. Mellon mansion, why it was torn down (not a clue), and what happened to the stones and woodwork after it was demolished.

A snippet:

Everything was velvety, expensive, plush, posh, polished, hand-painted and eminently BREAKABLE. I was afraid to even gaze at a gaudy Tiffany mantle clock for too long for fear my stare alone would cause it to fall to the floor and shatter.

You become very aware of how gangly and awkward the human body is when you’re surrounded by priceless artifacts.

The day after my tour, I was reading a book about art collecting in Pittsburgh during the Gilded Age when I stumbled upon something that, as our columnist Rick Sebak would say, isn’t there anymore.

And it took my breath away.

The 65-room mansion of Richard B. Mellon, brother of Andrew Mellon, built at 6500 Fifth Avenue in 1910:

You have to go look at that magnificent house. It was as big as a castle. Lush and glorious gardens. Amazing stained glass windows. And it’s gone. GONE! At thirty years of age.

Now, if anyone can help me learn WHY the house was razed, I would be most appreciative. So far I’ve come up empty, other than an indication that another Mellon house in Pittsburgh, the 45-room Ben Elm at 5340 Forbes Avenue in Squirrel Hill, was torn down the same year, 1941, due to tax increases, which MAKES NO SENSE. This was one of the richest families in America!

And if you can find me a picture of the Ben Elm mansion, I’ll probably self-unite to you like a boss.

Anyway, I’m now obsessed with Pittsburgh’s mansions.

Bail me out when Mario finds me hiding in his wine cellar.

• Punsutawney Phil:  Predicted six more weeks of winter
• Jimmy the Groundhog of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin:  Predicted an early spring.
• Nibbles of Asheville, North Carolina: Predicted an early spring.
• Grady, the groundhog at Chimney Rock State Park: Predicted six more weeks of winter.
• Chuckles of Connecticut: Predicted an early spring.
• Buckeye Chuck of Ohio: Predicted an early spring.
• Potomac Phil of D.C., a fake groundhog: Predicted six more weeks of winter.
• And Mrs. G. of Lincoln, Nebraska: Predicted an early spring.

You guys? I’m starting to think groundhogs aren’t real meteorologists.

Also, when my sister talks about her OCD and neuroses and obsessions, she is not even kidding. They’ll make a TLC show out of her soon enough. They’ll call it, “The Crazy Lady Who is Terrified of Dented Cans of Tomatoes.”

2. Monday is MAKE ROOM FOR KIDS 3.0 FUNDRAISING KICKOFF DAY AND I GET TO REVEAL OUR MOST AMBITIOUS PROJECT EVER AND I AM SO EXCITED THAT I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING.

ALSO, RAMPANT PUNCTUATION SPOILER ALERT!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Sarris Candies had a devastating fire last night and it feels like the Wendell August Forge disaster again. However, Wendell came back stronger than ever and therefore, Sarris will too.

Pics of the heartbreaking flames here.

4. The penguins at the zoo are going to go on walks for the zoo visitors now, like a parade!

I can’t wait!

There better be fireworks too or this isn’t a real Pittsburgh parade.

5. Headline: “Banned In 19 States, Animal Gas Chamber Still Legal In Pennsylvania”

Me: “Is it available for rent? For pigeons? I’m asking for a friend.”

6. Occupy Pittsburgh has been ordered to vacate Mellon Green, and their response to that has been measured and mature.

I’m not even being sarcastic.

7. Frank McKinney is a real estate guru and children’s book author who traded places with a Pittsburgh homeless man recently, for a one night stay at the Light of Life Mission.

Pretty cool.

Also? WHOA:

I don’t even know where to start. It’s like David Copperfield and Siegfried and Roy made a baby!

8. The new guy over at DVE is comedian Bill Crawford and for some reason I thought “Bill Crawford” sounds like the name of a 55-year-old man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, you geriatric yinzers.  However, as this video of Bill Crawford meeting Sean McDowell for the first time will show, Bill is quite the whippersnapper, getting a whole eyeful of Sean’s jaw-dropping Steven-Tyleresque yumminess:

Click here to view the embedded video.

I hope that’s really how Sean McDowell introduces himself to fans who approach him in the grocery store.

9. Pictures of Ben Roethlisberger and his wife golfing in Hawaii. Nice butt-pick, Mrs. R!

(h/t PittCheMBA)

10. My dad and reader Becky both emailed me this photo and said maybe I should give this a try to solve my weather-related dish problems:

That’s actually kind of brilliant.

The year: 1990

The author: Caroline Bourne

The synopsis:

VISION OF BEAUTY
Dressing up as a ghost to scare an heiress away from her mansion wasn’t Cole Donovan’s cup of tea, but he’d been blackmailed and his only other choice was the gallows. The rugged Scotsman was in for a surprise — he hadn’t counted on his victim beng so spirited, so enchanting, and so sensuous that he could hardly keep from touching her. Frustrated with playing the role of a spirit from the past who’d drive the lovely lady insane, Cole decided he’d gladly risk his life to be her flesh and blood lover — and to drive the gorgeous blonde mad with desire for his passionate embrace.

PICTURE OF MANLINESS
Having been raised in Pennsylvania’s remote Allegheny Mountains, willowy Diana Rourke knew how to fend for herself. So when a shadowy male stepped out of her bedrom mirror, the self-sufficient country miss promptly raised her pistol and demanded a kiss from the handsome apparition. The violet-eyed heiress knew perfectly well that her midnight visitor was a man of flesh and blood, but she never expected the jolt of ecstasy that galvanized her senses when his flesh met hers and her blood raced through her veins! Reveling in the overwhelming experience, Diana suddenly cared not a whit if he were phantom or fact … all she wanted was to surrender to the sweet sensual pleasure of his ALLEGHENY ECSTASY.

Me: [blink] [blink] OH MY GOD, YES! I hope the word “confluence” is used in euphemistic fashion somewhere in this book.

Men everywhere: THAT IS THE PERFECT PENIS NAME.

(h/t to the incredible Burgher Sarah over at the wildly popular Smart Bitches Trashy Books who found this book and ordered it saying how proud she is to be a Burgher. I cannot wait to read her review on it and to hear whether or not the author refers to “his steel shaft” at any point. Or “blast furnace of yearning.” Or “their desire raged stronger than three rivers of lust.” Or “He brought his steed to an unexpected halt at the mouth of the tunnel.” I got a million of these, you guys.)

Click here to view the embedded video.

Mean Joe Greene commercial from 2012.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Awesomeness.

(h/t My dad)